Oh Tim, What Am I Going to Do WIth You? CC: johnnydepp@piratesareprofit.com, helenabonhamcarter@ilookliketheguyifuck.com

Tim (Mr. Burton?),

we have a problem. it's not that i don't want to like you (i really, really do-- you look like robert smith, after all). it's just that, well, you think you're infallible now (and let me be the first to tell you that you're not). i can't even think of the last good movie you made. 'big fish' springs to mind but i really want to believe that you've made something worthwhile since then. you know, i just looked it up and you haven't. that's really sad. your last good movie was made in 2003. what the hell is going on? firstly, you need to stop working with your baby mama and johnny depp (man crush or no man crush, let him go, man!!). i'll give you that johnny was good in 'edward scissorhands' and 'ed wood' but there's just no excuse for 'sleepy hollow', 'charlie and the chocolate factory', 'the corpse bride' and 'sweeney todd'. and why would you put helena bonham carter into these movies? you turned her from the merchant-ivory beauty turned 'fight club' hotness into a wreck of a woman who looks more like you with every passing day (although she still looks way better than you). get it into your head, you ARE NOT robert smith. put down the hairspray and back away slowly. i'll give you your batman movies (even though the second one was dubious at best) but then you went and ruined it totally with 'mars attacks'. it's almost as if you can't make two good films in a row (or that for every one you make that's good you have to make two that suck. let's not even talk about 'planet of the apes' (which not even 'the nightmare before christmas can redeem). stop using the same actors! don't make musicals! go back to what you know. we liked the dark and brooding tim burton (but not the 'sleepy hollow' type of dark-- that just sucked). maybe even try heading away from that and make more stuff like 'big fish'. it was so good and such a departure from what you usually do. i think that your 'beetlejuice' days are behind you. find a new niche. really. we're sick of it and you're just ruining your reputation. i don't even want to know what you're going to do with 'alice in wonderland' (and as meeg said, 'i'll give you 1 guess as to what two actors are in it'). you make serious films, you're not simon pegg. stop casting the same wonky actors so that they can reprise their rubbishy roles over and over again. please, i once liked you and i think i could again. just turn a corner, see the light, use some different actors... something!! we want the old tim back! the one who entertained us, not the one who makes us groan when we hear he has a new movie coming out. think on it for a while and get back to me. it's not too late for you!! save yourself.



now johnny- you're fab. really, love your work. you've made some great stuff with tim but it's time to break away. he's killing you. 'sweeny todd' was terrible. you can do better than that and you know it. i don't know what's happened to you but you need to shape up. i know that you're best mates or whatever and it must be a blast working with him but if you want to retain a shred of your artistic integrity you MUST break away. go find an indie film by an unknown director and shine in the way we know you can.

helena- ugh, what can i even say to you. 'a room with a view', 'fight club', so many films that you were so wonderful in and then you shack up with tim and now you let him put you in any old thing. it's just not right. you're amazing. look in the mirror. i know you look like him but try and see the old helena. just because he's your baby daddy doesn't mean you have to be in his shitty films. shape up, woman! your career is headed in the same direction johnny's is... nowhere. you'll be lost in the quagmire that is tim burton and you'll never escape. go do a period piece. go do something edgy and cool like 'fight club'. hell, go do anything with a different co-star and director and i promise that you will find yourself again. if not for your sake then do it for ours. we hate to see this happen to you.
so please, all of you, go your own ways. find new and DIFFERENT projects. find different styles. you've hit the wall. it's time to move on and apart. i beg of you.

all my love,
nic