When all else fails I know that I can always count on Dara.

this isn't to say that anything is actually failing, things are going pretty well actually. i just wanted to give a little shout out to my new pal, dara o'brien. he's the host of 'mock the week' and he's fecking hilarious. check him out...

Newsflash: Britain sends frantic Facebook message to the US: "I thought you said we were BFFs. I still love you, do you still love me?"

Ahhh, every politico and news corespondent here in Britain is in a flutter over the perceived 'snubbing' of Prime Minister Gordon Brown by Obama at the G20 in Pittsburgh (by the way, can someone PLEASE fill me in on WHY THE HELL THEY WOULD HOLD THE G20 IN PITTSBURGH?!). there has been endless news coverage and speculation about the demise of the 'special relationship' between the uk and us. in keeping with its role as the 'needier' of the two friends (i can totally relate to that) britain has been showing its true colo(u)rs by endlessly speculating that 'the united states just doesn't love us like they used to'. desperate for validation and some sort of reassurance from the us that their status as first on the list of 'top friends' the bbc and other news agencies are doing all they can to assure the worried populace that the states really does need britain almost as much as britain needs the us (if it weren't for us all of their military actions would actually be unilateral! we're the only ones that allow them to say they were multilateral! they need us!). a lot of the reassurance being offered by the bbc is falling on deaf ears, though. the people know that now that america has obama that they might not need the uk to be BFFs anymore. obama's popular enough in europe (and really everywhere OTHER than the us) to have his pick of new BFFs. seriously, britain is worried. in response america is assuring britain that they'll always have a 'special relationship' and that maybe it's just time to see what it's like to spend a little time apart ("it's not like we kicked you off the bowling team!"). adding that, "it's not you, it's us", america has slightly deferred but not squelched the fingernail biting nervousness of the people of britain ("ok, but you're going to call us this weekend, right? wait, was that a yes? well, i'll call you if i haven't heard from you by sunday, ok? is that ok? wait... where are you going?!?!").
here's gordon brown looking longingly at obama for a hint that they're still BFFs... poor Gordon.

go to http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/8272061.stm to see gordon brown insist that BFF means FOREVER (or click on the title of this entry to go directly to the video)

The Easiest Hard Game Show In The UK

ok, so there's this game show here called, 'eggheads'. in it, a group of five contestants (a team of people who all know each other somehow) are pitted against these 5 people (same ones every week) who are somehow the best quiz show contestants in british history. one of them won 'who wants to be a millionaire', one of them (the most impressive one) won some show called '15 to 1' (which is now off the air but was apparently really, really hard) no less than 3 times, one of them won brain of britain... and that's not all they've won. let's just say that these five people have a score of quiz/game show wins between them (some of them amazingly impressive). so, the thing is that there's a preliminary part in which there's a specific area of knowledge (like arts and books or science). one of the contestants picks an 'egghead' to go up against in a head to head. they answer three multiple choice questions each. if, at the end of that, they are tied, it goes to sudden death in which the questions are no longer multiple choice. this is usually where the contestants lose to their chosen 'egghead'. whomever loses the head to head is knocked off. this happens four times until they come down to the last person (who does not do a head to head). this is when the show moves into the 'general knowledge' section. the remaining team members (those who didn't get knocked off in their head to heads) sit at the table and are allowed to confer on the questions asked. i've seen episodes where it's all 5 eggheads against one poor soul. i've also seen ones where people manage to knock off some of the eggheads (although it's rare for more than one or two eggheads to get knocked off). anyway, it's played the same way as the head to heads-- three multiple choice questions and then sudden death. the prize for the show is 1,000 pounds but every time a team loses that money rolls over to the next show. the one gavin and i just watched had a prize of 73,000 pounds.
thing is, i want to go on this with my hand-picked team (i'm looking at you here-- gavin, meeg, richard and allyson). i think we can do it. they are after all, not unbeatable...

What Are They Thinking?!?!?

this isn't as bad as iggy pop selling car insurance but still... alice, what are you thinking?!?!



at least stephen fry only does voice overs but... PET INSURANCE?!?!?!?!? oh, stephen... for shame!

The Star of the 2009 World Championships in Berlin

i know what you're thinking. you're thinking that i'm going to say that the star of 2009 world championships is none other than usain bolt. with his charisma and non-stop world record breaking he is a draw no matter where he goes or what he does (which is always something spectacular). after his stunning time in the 100 meter sprint-- here he is standing next to his jaw-dropping 9.58 second time-- he went ahead to break his own world record time in the 200 meter and then contribute to the jamacain team's gold medal in the relay. already one of the best sprinters the world has ever seen, bolt is the man of the minute.

but bolt IS NOT the star that i am here to tell you about. the real star of the 2009 world championships in berlin is none other than... Berlino the bear, the mascot of this year's world championships. he is the talk of the athletic community. he is there on the sidelines with every winning athlete, hamming it up for the cameras, whipping the crowd into a frenzy, causing a stir with every camera crew that passes him (letting gold medal winning athletes walk right on by as they focus in their little crazy cameras on this utterly adorable, totally entertaining man in a bear costume).

here is the bear in the, um, fuzz, sharing the moment with one mr. bolt, making front pages world-wide by joining bolt in his customary celebration salute.

later, he ran a race with bolt (he is one of bolt's biggest fans... under his berlin 2009 number tag he wears another one that reads, 'ich bein ien bolt'), again making headlines around the world.

berlino is friends with many of the other athletes, as well, though. he's very chummy with bolt but has no shortage of friends in all other areas of athletics. here he is being lifted by the gold medal discuss champion...

i won't shame him by publishing a picture of him dropping the world champion, melanie walker, as he carried her on his back in celebration of her win. she has commented that she could see that he was clearly running towards a baracade and wasn't sure that he could see it (which he clearly didn't-- evidenced by the fact that he ran smack into it) but that even when he knocked into it, fell onto his back and onto her (he could have seriously hurt her but she was just fine and as he helped her up she laughed and continued to celebrate her 400m gold medal run) she loved every second of it.

even given that little blunder our friend berlino the bear has made this year's world championships something to truly remember. yeah, yeah, we'll all remember bolt and his spectacular speed but i think that what we'll all take away from these world championships is a new little fuzzy friend, one that will hold a place in our hearts forever. we love you, berlino. you really are the star. Ich bein ein Berlino!!

ps- and if you're thinking that it would be oh so cute to get a little Berlino momento for yourself, you're out of luck. they have sold out worldwide. time to resort to ebay, kids!

The NHS, American Health Care and the Inane Attempts to Compare Them

ok, check it. i don't know exactly what's being said in the american (undoubtedly right-wing) media about the nhs over here in britain. all i know is that a) a tory mp went on american television bashing the nhs and b) that there are some americans who are (without any knowledge about how the system here ACTUALLY works) bashing the nhs and somehow saying that obama is going to create the same situation in the states.

let's start with the most asinine of all of the parts of this story/controversy...

-obama creating a nationalized health care system in the united states.

let's get real, here, people. this is never going to happen. if you live in the states you are NEVER going to have what is essentially socialized health care. he might be talking about insurance coverage for everyone or access to medicine for everyone but he is NOT talking about setting up a comprehensive system in which the vast majority of the population get their health care from a tax payer funded nationalized scheme. i think that we all know this. americans have always had this knee-jerk aversion to the notion of anything even remotely resembling 'socialism' and every politicain knows this. something like the NHS would NEVER happen in the states. no politician would attempt it and it's not even what obama's proposing... so why the hell are americans attacking the nhs? it has nothing to do with you, your health care system, the way things are going to be or the way people want things to be. it's none of your business, frankly, and you're pissing off the closest allies you have. shut the fuck up and deal with the situation (if it's one you don't like) in a reasonable and legitimate way. use rational arguments, don't start picking on a system that's so remote to what is being proposed that you can't even see it (oh, and while i'm at it, don't criticize what you don't understand).

-that jackass tory mp

first of all, this guy is a conservative politician. remember that, over here, the liberals are (for now) in power. their government is crumbling underneath them and the tories are on the warpath. they're attacking everything they can get their hands on. this mp, though, overstepped the mark. the leader of his party, david cameron, has denounced this politician's statements and has said that the tory party fully stands behind the nhs as a viable and productive system. also, there IS private health care here in the uk. you don't HAVE to be a part of the nhs system if you can afford not to be. if you think for one second that ANY of the tory mps actually use the nhs then you are sadly mistaken. they, like american politicians, are privy to health care that the rest of us can't afford and will never see. it's just the way things are. the more money you have, the better health care you get. it's the same in the states. it's the same the world over. get used to it. it's here to stay.

-american bashing of the nhs and the way the nhs actually is

i've been in this country and have availed myself of the services of the nhs for 5 months now. this by no means makes me an expert on the system (i think a trip to the emergency room would be necessary to do that and i'm doing my utmost to avoid that particular scenario). i do, however, have first hand knowledge of how many different aspects of the system works. i will give all of you a little inside information... the nhs is by no means perfect but the nhs is actually a good system in many ways. when i first arrived here in the uk, i went down to my local health centre, filled out two pieces of paper, was seen by a nurse (to get my vitals for my chart) and within 10 minutes of stepping through the door was in the system. i made an appointment with a doctor to talk about medication and things that i needed/would need in the near future. i DID NOT have to wait a month for an appointment. in fact, i got an appointment 3 days later. one issue i do take with the nhs is that each 'regular' doctor's appointment is for 10 minutes and 10 minutes only. if you need further care you have to make a special appointment during which the doctor can see you for a longer period of time. i had to tell the doctor what i needed, give her a run-down of what i could recall of my medical history (since i don't have a comprehensive chart from any one GP- thanks, katrina) and discuss what i felt like i was going to need in the future- all in 10 minutes. if you have a cold and some other complaint, you have to hurry and discuss all of your symptoms/issues with the doctor in a relatively short period of time. i'm not used to this. i'm used to being in the states where i was, admittedly, one of the lucky ones. although i didn't have health insurance for years, my father is a doctor and therefore has many colleagues who saw me without charging me (my ob/gyn never charged me and i saw her for about 12 years). i had the privilege of having access to some of the best medical care and i could sit and talk to my doctors about what i felt was wrong for as long as i felt i needed to. having said that, i haven't had any issues with the curtailed time that i get to spend with the doctor. i have found that if you get straight to the point, you usually don't need more than 10 minutes. if blood work or exams of other sorts are needed, they are ordered and a nurse takes your blood (or whatever) and you're called back to discuss what the results were and what should happen from there. in my opinion, if you have a laundry list of problems that is going to take you more than 10 minutes to recount then perhaps it's the hospital you should be going to and not your local gp.

my other issues with the nhs are few, but important (i think). i take great issue with the fact that they only offer gynecological exams once every three years (unless you've recently had an abnormal result, in which case you are treated once every 6 months-- just like in the states). it is standard practice in the states to have one annually. there is a reason for this. things like hpv and the spread of cervical cancer are NOT things that take more than 3 years. you can go in, have a clean result, develop a papaloma and that can actually morph into stage 5 (which is cervical cancer) within 3 years. the time delay between routine checkups within the nhs system is dangerously long. on the flip-side, in the states, if you want an exam of this sort you are going to pay for it. when i DID have insurance, they wouldn't pay for my annual exam because it was 'preventative' and therefore not really necessary (admittedly, that insurance plan was horrible). if you don't have insurance, the money to pay out of pocket for it or a doctor whose husband went to medical school with your dad you won't even get an exam every three years... you won't get one at all. these aren't things that are offered at the free clinic or even charity hospital (when it was up and running-- thanks again, katrina). here in the uk you CAN pay a private doc to give you an annual exam if you can afford it (just like in the states). so really my complaint is a little insane. it amounts to the fact that they're not offering me a free exam annually (when i only got free exams in the states because i was one of the VERY fortunate few-- VERY, VERY few who have weird connections within the medical community).

my other complaint about the nhs has to do with their psychological care scheme. i have to preface this with the fact that this has to be taken with a grain of salt because in the states there is little to no access to free psychological care. unless you're being locked away by the state (which means you're going to a prison-like state-run mental care facility) you don't have the option of going to therapy and the state will foot the bill. in fact, most health insurance plans in no way cover the cost of psychological care. if you live in the states and you're fucked in the head (which, let's be honest here, we all are) you're paying out of pocket for any help you might be getting. so, to my complaint... there is nhs psych care here but it is limited. it's not like in the states where i saw my psychotherapist once every three weeks/month for an hour a session (at $165 a pop). here, you see a therapist for about 20 minutes once every two months or so. it's not enough time to get comfortable enough to start talking about issues that you might be having and it's certainly not enough time for the doctor to assess your situation and come up with an accurate diagnosis/treatment plan. i also have to say that they are loathe to treat certain psychological ailments in the same way that they do in the states. in the states, the doctors throw anti-anxiety medication at any anxiety related affliction. they have no qualms with leaving people on meds like valium and xanax for decades. here, it's not the done thing. they don't like putting people on things like benzos (the class of drugs that valium and xanax fall under). it's the addictive nature of them that they don't like. they will, however give you mood-altering drugs (and leave you on them for extended periods of time) that actually alter the chemical composition/the way your brain responds to hormones, etc being released into it-- like serotonin inhibitors. this to me makes no sense at all. they would rather actually mess with the way your brain functions than get you addicted to a medication that you can later be weaned off of. while they're doing this, they don't really give you adequate therapy to treat the underlying problem. it's a big mess and i don't think that it solves any one's problems. then again, you CAN go private and pay (again, about $200 per session) to see a therapist who will be more than happy to keep you on addictive substances and meet with you for an hour every three weeks if you can afford it. hence the grain of salt. the free psych care that you can get isn't really adequate and seems to me to be ill-informed of the dangers of certain psych meds. on the other hand there actually IS free psych care. that's at least a step further than we've made it in the states.

as for the rest of the nhs (like hospital visits, etc), i can only give you second-hand information. my mother in law was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was in her mid twenties (scary, i know). she had a lumpectomy and further treatment (also, take note of the fact that this was 25 years ago, when treatments like this were nowhere near as advanced as they are now-- sorry for essentially giving your age away there, laura) and she has been cancer free since. i also recall once when gavin had to go to the emergency room not long after his first visit to see me in new orleans. he was back here in scotland, scoffed down some undercooked asparagus and got it lodged in his esophageal passage-- causing great pain, discomfort and difficulty drawing a full breath. his parents took him to the hospital and even though the emergency room knew it wasn't something so pressing as a heart attack he was taken directly in and seen to (in fact, he had to stay the night). he was told that he would have to have some operation in which they'd enlarge this passage down to his stomach as his was quite narrow and this would continue to happen (of course, before he could have the operation he came for a brief visit to see me in new orleans which just happened to turn into a wedding and almost 3 years of living in the states). he hasn't gone back for the procedure, but if/when he does it, like the night he spent in the hospital and like his mother's treatment for breast cancer, it will be paid for by the nhs. these are good things. you would never get free cancer treatment in the states (unless some charity took you under its wing) and you would certainly never spend the night in the emergency room thanks to asparagus and not get charged (ok, maybe when we had charity hospital but that's gone now. these options are no longer available-- don't make me mention you again, katrina).

so, all in all i have to say that i DON'T think that the nhs is a perfect system. it has its faults and flaws. i also have to say that i think it's an exceedingly valuable service that helps people and saves lives. the fact that we don't have anything even remotely like it in the states is not to our benefit, but to our detriment. yeah, it's all well and good for glenn beck to say that the nhs sucks. he HAS fabulous health insurance, i'm sure. what about all of the people who can't afford it? oh yeah, i forgot, he doesn't care about them. it's easy to criticize when it's not your ass on the line, when you're not the one who is hesitant to go to the hospital when you know you need to (may i briefly site the brilliant lilo film, 'i know who killed me' here by saying, "hospitals are for rich people") for fear of the exorbitant bill that will come your way. people like o'reiley and beck can throw stones all they want. they don't live in glass houses. they live in fortified mansions. for all of you who are sitting in front of your televisions nodding along with what they are saying take a second and realize that these people are NOT like you. these people are millionaires. these people can afford health insurance, they can afford the best health care in the world. they talk all day long about being just like you but they're NOT. they are part of the financial elite.

so, next time your chest starts to hurt think about whether or not you can afford the thousands it's going to cost you to go to the hospital, think about the fact that you don't have that money to spend, think about the fact that glenn beck does, think about the fact that if you were here you wouldn't be thinking about money-- you'd be on your way to the hospital right now-- and then criticize the nhs.

one can only hope that one day in the us people who live below the poverty line will be able to complain that they had to wait an hour to get their broken arm seen to for free rather than not at all.

All The Witty Banter That's Fit To Print (or, erm... watch)

i have to say that for as much crap television as there is here in the UK (about the same amount, if not more, depending on your feelings about antiques and auctions, as there is in the States) there are a few shows that i had never seen before that are quite funny.
the best of these (i feel) are the panel shows that deal with things like general information (in the case of 'QI', hosted by the one and only stephen fry) and weekly news (in the case of 'mock the week', hosted by some guy's whose name i forget and who isn't really all that funny). these are now my two favorite of this type of show.
'QI' (again, hosted by stephen fry) is a sort of quiz show that covers a dizzying array of knowledge and information. each episode has a panel of four comedians (alan davies of 'johnathan creek' fame is a permanent panelist and bill bailey of 'black books' fame is a regular participant). mr fry holds court in each episode and asks the panelists questions to which very few people actually know the answer. of course, they're all set up to lead into witty banter flying across the table from comedian to comedian to fry to comedian, and so forth. i would say that only a scant bit of information is actually revealed in each show thanks to the number of jokes and how far they can spiral out of control. points are awarded and deducted on some arbitrary scale that i have yet to work out (other than the fact that it is known that alan davies WILL score the lowest amount of points in each episode as he either knows fuck all or is always willing to sacrifice the correct answers for the sake of the joke (i have yet to work that one out)). the shows can be watched on any number of bittorent things or on iplayer on the bbc website or bits can be seen on youtube, although bits hardly do the show justice. having said that, here is a bit that i thought was funny. i've seen the whole of this episode and i must say that it was a particularly funny one...

now, to 'mock the week'... it's a show that deals with different newsworthy topics that have happened in the week preceding the show. it has two teams of three comedians with that host guy whose name i don't know sitting in the middle. again, the points are awarded pretty arbitrarily but it's quite the same in that the questions lead more to banter than to actually uncovering the facts (although those do come out in the end). there are some regulars on the show, but i only know the name of one of them, frankie boyle, a glaswegian comedian who i think is ridiculously hilarious now that i've seen him on this show. again, the shows can be found in the usual places. here's a taste from youtube...

and just because i know you found him to be hilarious in that clip, here's a little taste of my new man frankie boyle's stand-up...

Ready to lose all faith in the people you thought you could count on?

from mca being the man to iggy pop officially, totally and completely selling out...

I Was So Right To Love MCA

i've had a thing for MCA (adam yauch) of the beastie boys since... well, since i've known who the beastie boys are. i always felt that he was super cool and down to earth (and alway thought that he was super sexy). he was my a number one celeb crush when i was about 17-18 years old.
as it happens, adam has been diagnosed with cancer and, as a result, the beastie boys have to postpone the release of their album and some shows that they had scheduled. in this thing i found in which he sits down with ad-rock to tell the fans what's going on he actually apologizes for having cancer and putting people out. i knew that my gut feeling about him was right. nothing but gentlemanly style and grace and humility with this one. get better soon, adam. we'll be thinking about you.
here's the announcement they made for anyone who wants to see it...

just so that you're forewarned...

so, gavin gave me my birthday present early because we have some things coming up that i wanted to use it for...
it's a camcorder. there's some chip thing that goes in it that i'm waiting for (it should be here today). it's the memory card (this is the only reason that this post doesn't include my weird whatever it is that i decide to video).
so, just so that you know (so that you can either keep an eye on this spot or avoid it at all costs-- depending upon your opinion on this) that soon i am going to start posting actual videoed rants or weird movies that i decide to make with my new toy. i can't wait! it's going to be so much fun and the crack will now be never-ending. ohh, nicole is going viral. watch out!!
kisses to all
x n

over you

for someone who doesn't even read this blog.

ohhh, so cracky...jeremy kyle

as you all know, in the states there is an overabundance of those horrible crack shows like jerry springer. it should come as no surprise that a) they show those horrid shows here in the uk (and i think that this is why they often think so little of us-- SOMEBODY elected GW twice-- arguably- and then they see these shows and they're like, 'ahhh, that would explain it!') and b) that they would have some sort of equivalent show here in the uk.

the big jerry springeresque show here is the jeremy kyle show. i HATE springer. for some unfathomable reason i LOVE kyle. it's so bizarre.

i'm here to now defend myself... first of all, jerry encourages these fights and all out brawls. jeremy yells at people if they go to hit each other. jerry just sits back and takes no action or role (other than to provoke a transvestite prostitute into attacking her pimp) whereas jeremy actually talks (sometimes quite abrasively) to his guests. he's often sympathetic to the 'victim' but always has a go at the 'liar', 'cheat', 'deadbeat dad'. really, what he says makes sense. he'll have on two people fighting over the paternity of a child, saying they can't be together and he'll yell at them to both shut up and realize that it's not about them, it's about the kid. i think that's pretty cool. jerry would never do that.

i also totally dig his flip-flop attitude. he brings out the bad person first, the one who probably cheated or lied or what have you, he sits down with them, talking calmly and seeming to be understanding (usually) and then he brings out the other person and starts verbally attacking the bad guy (and you know that it usually turns out that they're both bad guys, so they both get a telling off).

so there, i've said it. there's actually a springeresque show in the world that i kind of like (in a cracky way).

here's a clip that's a bit unusual. it's HILARIOUS as the guy on it is so bizarre it's a bit off the charts. the people on it aren't usually this strange-- they're usually just drunks or junkies or people who sleep with so many people that they have to take lie detector tests or paternity tests.

oh, i also have to mention that he has a therapist on the show (not a dr phil type of wanker but a real one) who will take families and parents, etc backstage when the interview part is over and give them counselling about how to start rebuilding their relationships, get off the drink/drugs or whatever their problems are. i think that's pretty cool, too (and none of that stuff is aired- it's all private- jerry would SO air that shit!! it's crack tv gold! jeremy's too cool for that kind of fuckery!).

watch the clip-- it's worth it to see what the show's like and to see this total freak show of a guy who is on it.

Open Letter to Angelina Jolie...

Angie (may i call you angie? i've heard that people do...),

ok, so here's the deal. i'm going to come clean. i know i've said some really rough things about you in past posts. i've criticized just about everything that there is to criticize (even things that are, admittedly, totally irrelevant and just mean). call me a bitter bastard, i suppose. i'd like to start things anew with you, if you'll allow that. i'm not going to go back and say that i liked 'the changeling'. i'm sorry, i just can't. but, i understand why you'd want to make the film and who wouldn't want to act with malcovich? i did really like you in 'gia', i've always maintained that. i actually liked, 'hackers', too, in a cracky kind of way. i can even appreciate what you were going for with 'a mighty heart' (although i maintain that, just as constructive criticism, in the scene when you break down, she would have been yelling in her native tongue. when we're in that state we revert to what we know best. you yelled in english. it's a minor point and i'm pretty sure that i am the only person who picked up on that because it was a well acted scene). so, whether i like your movies or not aside, your probably pretty cool and i shouldn't have a go at you because of that. i have denied you credit for things done well because of things that i thought weren't so good but that's simply a matter of personal taste and i shouldn't have criticized you personally for it.

there's another thing that i have to say that i'm sorry for. this one you can thank my friend joseph for... i have, in the past, been a 'team jen' kind of person. i can't help but feel bad for her. i've had my heart broken (haven't we all) and i sympathize with what it must be like to try to get over your ex when you can't escape images of him being happy with someone else. that being said, i've also agreed with woody and his, 'the heart wants what it wants' statement. i think that that is very true. if you note, i did comment on one particular post in which i blamed the whole breakup of that marriage on you that perhaps i was wrong and that brad is now happy where he wasn't before...essentially i had rethought and semi-retracted my statements. so, joseph opened my mind to the fact and thought that it really had nothing to do with you (the breakup, that is). you two fell in love and he made the choice to leave his wife. you didn't force him to, i'm sure he's strong willed and not a malleable piece of clay that you just took and bent to your will. i will give him far more credit than that. i do think that you can bend men to your will, but i think that that's more of a compliment than a criticism. it means that they find you sexy and interesting and alluring... these are good things.

i've also taken a jab at your un work, i know... that one was probably the worst. i said that you spread yourself too thin when it came to that and didn't come out of the areas you visited and spread the word about what you saw there. can i really judge that, though? maybe that's not your intention when you go to these places. perhaps you know that the world knows about the problems in cambodia and africa, etc and that you're there for the people themselves and to shine a brief light on those individuals. i still think that perhaps you should talk more about what you saw when you were there when you get back (although perhaps you do and the media simply chooses to focus more on speculation on the state of your relationship and your womb than what you have to say about poverty-stricken and war-torn countries. i don't know).

anyway, to sum up... i'm sorry for being so harsh on you. makes me feel very tabloidy and maybe (i'm not fessing to this, JUST saying MAYBE, i'm a little but envious of the fact that you're a year older than i am, you have success in your chosen field-- whereas i'm still struggling at best--, you got to kiss gerry butler-- a fact that i will just have to remain green with envy about-- and that you have many opportunities that i wish i had.

PERHAPS my vitriol was far less about you and far more about me. i'm generally not the kind of person who lets jealousy in or who lets it turn into anger but maybe i did this time. for that, i'm sorry).

i will even go so far as to admit that i understand why you wouldn't want to go into whole foods while everyone else was there. i'm sure you've been mobbed a million times and i would probably take measures to ensure that i didn't have to endure that, as well.

that's it really. i hope that we can make up and that you can understand why i've said some of the things i've said and forgive the parts that were just unnecessarily mean. you've never done anything to me, and i don't know what really goes on in your persona

l life. maybe i should let my sympathy for jen and the tabloid press do less thinking for me when it comes to you and think for myself. when it comes down to it i actually kind of think that i would think you were pretty damn cool if we were to meet.

i can't imagine what it must be like to live in the bubble that you live in. i would hate to have people constantly criticizing my every move or spewing negativity in my direction when they really have no idea what it's like to live my life. i feel guilty to have been a part of that. you do put positivity out into the world and that's to be commended, not criticized.

hope you can accept my olive branch...

i'll even go and watch 'salt' with an open mind.

take care,

nic

ps- i am totally jealous of your tats, that i WILL fess up to.

My new obsession...

ok, so there are so many things that are different here in the UK (but we knew that that was going to be the case, yes?). there are also so many things that are the same, though. the grocery stores are essentially the same (other than the fact that we have no whole foods and that they sell things like, 'bovril', which is like gravy that you drink as far as i can tell-- oh, and don't even get me started on the many flavors of 'crips'... things like 'fish and chips' and 'cajun squirrel'). yes, they do drive on the wrong side of the road AND the wrong side of the car. yes, they're weird and don't have guns (but that's a good thing). but so many things are the same... there's coke AND pepsi and all of the fads and television shows that come from the states make their way over here.so, we come to why i've even brought this up...i have been known, in my time, to buy a magazine or two when the mood strikes and the magazine looks interesting. and while they DO have the same magazines (although, of course, they have some that we don't and vice-versa) they're the british versions. this is not the big news, though. the big news is that magazines here aren't just magazines!! magazines here invariably come with some sort of bonus extra that doesn't cost you any more. all of them have free gifts (and i'm not talking samples of perfume that you have to tear out and then apply to yourself by rubbing paper on your body!). they come with PROPER free stuff... bags, books, toiletry cases, make-up, toys, cds, guitar pics... every type of magazine has its own type of surprise free gift (the lamest is the 2 for 1 deal wherein you get 'hello' and 'cosmo' for the price of one-- but still!!! that's something you would never see in the states!!). every time i walk into a shop i MUST scan the shelves for what's on the go with even the crappiest of mags.

here are some examples that i found on the shelves just this month...

my fave! red (which is an ok mag) with this really cool free 'beauty' bag in it (i got the one that is black with white thistles on it-- it's really cool and i would have paid the 3 pounds just for the bag!)
i don't remember what mag this was but it came with a free (nice) beach bag that says, 'i heart urban outfitters' on it

even the kids get toys. a free dinosaur thingy.

ok, kind of lame... the two in one pack of bazzar and hello

maire clair with a free book (lots of them have free books but i won't post more than this one)
glamour with free...mascara, i think it was

a teen mag with free nail care kit
a teen mag with free lip gloss

Open letter to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Mahmoud (i assume it's ok to call you that?),

we need to talk... what the hell are you doing? you know, it's not as if your country has all that great of a reputation globally, anyway, and now you're just making it worse. we can all see what you've done, what's going on. don't even make me go into the whole thing about the fact that the Ayatollah is backing you and not the people of Iran. we know that you're engaged in wide-spread voter fraud and tampering with the election results. we can all see the differences between the way the results of this election were called as opposed to every other election EVER in your country. why you gotta go and make your country look so much worse than it already does? what is it with you and oppressing your own people? they're dying in the streets because they DON'T want you! is it going to take a full scale revolution and a total collapse of the government for you to see this? i'm afraid that it just might (or maybe i'm happy that it just might). for the sake of maintaining the TYPE of government you want in your country, fess up to what you've done and let the real results of the election be known. otherwise, you're going to end up on the recieving end of a bunch of angry and armed mobs that are going to overthrow your whole way of life. maybe it's time for that though. maybe it's a good thing you're such a blind dick.

yours sincerely,

nic

British to English Dictionary Time!!!

ok, so i've learned a couple of new things since i've been here (vocab wise) and i thought that some of you might be interested in some of them. just going to prattle off a list. if there are any that you know and can think of that i've left out, please comment me with them!

nae- no

aye- yes

tae- to

wee- little

ken- know

winge- whine

to have your tea- to eat dinner

washing- laundry

crisps- chips

chips- fries

ye- you

tak- take

o- of

frae- from

wi- with

wan- one

aboot- well, obviously about

fags- cigarettes

ma- my

bairn- child

fur- for

hauf- half

gienin- giving

oot- out

huv- have

dug- dog

oot- out

auld- old

whit- what

aw- all

oor- our

sma'- small

e'er- ever

gaun- go on

yersel- yourself

hud- had

awfy- awfully

ah- I

masel- myslef

aff- off

hus- has

goat- got

gie- give

telt- told

wance- once

sae- so

yer- your

wir-were

hunner- hundred

pound note- paper money

tenner- ten pound 'note'

quid- pound

juice- soda (anything that's not water, coffee, tea or actual juice!)

pram- baby carriage

guid- good

sma- small

ok, that's all i can think of off the cuff... i'll add some more later as they come to me!!

x

Is This Shit Following Me Or Something?

i know that it's been ages since i last posted and much has happened since then. i left my beloved new orleans (which is actually one reason that i haven't written- i wasn't quite sure what to do with 'from the streets of katrinaville' when i was no longer actually ON those streets. i can't change the web address- that i know of- and from the streets of aberdeen just doesn't sound right). i think that since i've been here for about a month now (and because i can say with all certainty that my heart still remains very much rooted in new orleans) that there's no problem with me posting here as I am from the streets of k-ville and no relocation will change my feelings for my birthplace.

so i'll give a quick run-down just for those of you who are interested and need filling in (although this isn't really what this post is about).

the last weeks in new orleans were pretty hectic. i worked until the 31st of march, we made sure we got our last paychecks, moved out of our apartment, hung out with as many friends as possible, made sure we were packed and had all of our money, etc together and set off around the 9th (i think) to drive from nola to washington, d

c. in the last week or so of being in new orleans i caught some strain of the flu that was so horrid and hard to shake that if you now told me it had been swine flu i would not question you on the diagnosis. gavin got it first and then gave it to me so i was actually more sick towards the end than he was. i didn't even get out of bed for the last three days. i stayed in my brother's apartment and attempted to sleep off my raging fever. anyway, the day came when i knew we had to leave regardless of how i felt and so off we drove. we stopped in atlanta even though we were meant to see lovely liz in greenville. i was too ill and the weather too bad to go any further the first night. we then drove through to my brother's in dc. rather than see lovely meeg or even go see any of the things that i had wanted to (the cherry blossom trees were in bloom) i stayed in and slept in yet another brother's apartment trying to shake the never-ending fever (and somehow i had totally lost my voice along the way). we stayed for t

wo days and then my brother drove us to new york so that we could catch the boat. once more, we didn't get to see lovely suzie as we were only in brooklyn for enough time to unload the car, give scott a hug and go check in to get on the boat. i spent the first 3 days not leaving the cabin. just too sick. he explored plenty while i slept. we ventured out a little in the last two days but i still wasn't feeling very well. we met his parents in southampton, drove up as far as blackpool (which is a whole different post) for the night and then completed our journey the next day, finally arriving in ellon.

now i've been here for almost a month (and no, i haven't seen the loch ness monster- in fact, i haven't even seen loch ness) and have done surprisingly little. the first week was a wash. i had to sleep to fully recuperate, we had to unpack, there were so many loads of clothes to wash that it's kind of unbelievable, etc. then began the task of organising the mundane-- i had to get a bank account (a painful process that took over a week), register

with the national health service, make sure that my address has been changed properly with folks like the irs, etc. i have done some sight-seeing and venturing out but, again, that's for another post.

what i really want to talk about is that fact that it seems like, since i've been here, i've somehow brought with me from the states an infection. shockingly, it's not even the flu that plagued me for so long- it's a political one. just as i was thinking to myself, 'ok, i can leave the states now, obama has it under control, i don't have to worry anymore' i come to a country that i felt had always had a more solid, socialist leaning, competent (ish) political system. the W virus that i brought with me though has spread to whitehall and is cracking that very government at its roots. there's now talk of totally re-hauling parliament as the scandals that are breaking on a daily basis are unearthing corruption and gross mis-use of public funds (and g

eneral fuckery) on a level that can only put down to something like the W virus.

so, here's a basic rundown just so that you know a bit about how it works so that you can know a bit about why it's falling apart...

in the UK there are districts. each district has an elected official that is an MP (a member of parliament). these mps all sit in the house of commons, which is effectively the same thing as congress if the house and senate sat together and yelled and jeered at one another openly and a lot (which is actually really entertaining- watch 'prime minister's questions' on c-span if you haven't or want to see hilarious political posturing and just good old fashioned british comedy). thing is that here in the UK, party affiliation means A LOT more than it does in the states (if you can believe that). mps ALWAYS vote with their party, th

ey DO NOT cross party lines in any vote on any proposed legislation. the country votes as to which party will have the most mps in the house and from that party rises the prime minister (who isn't really directly elected in the way that we elect the president). there isn't so much a set term for the prime minister as there are 'general elections' which either confirm that the country still stands behind the party that is presently in power or demands that another party assume control and then their head buffoon becomes pm. labour had always been the liberal party and the conservatives were, well, the conservatives. thanks largely to tony blaaauuughhhh and his lap-doggery with W the labour government has become more and more conservative and the liberal democratic party has pretty much taken their place and the actual liberal party in the house. nonetheless, labour is still in power (although it se

ems that there will be an inevitable shift from that in the next general election). the prime minister MUST call a general election under a number of different circumstances- but let's not get into that now. let's just say that he doesn't have to right now- mr. gordon brown (who is scottish, by the way) has about another year to sit around and continue to fuck things up until he has to put it to the vote and risk allowing his party to be ousted as the controlling party.

so, here's the BIG problem... in trying to fix the faltering economy (as all governments are trying to do) it has recently come to light that mps are given what are essentially expense accounts. only thing is, they aren't expense accounts because all they really have to do is hand in receipts, etc and they are just given the money they claim. they can claim money to pay for second homes (the logic behind this is that they have to live in the district that they represent but must also be present in london to sit in the house, therefore they have to have two actual residences) and the upkeep thereof. this is just bloody insane as they are all paid

well enough to afford flats in london or in their districts without pulling from the public purse to pay for them. it's also crazy because not one of them uses this nonsense responsibly. they use this second home allowance on crazy extravagant homes with lavish grounds and claim tens of thousands of pounds annually on such fuckery as pond maintenance. even mps that represent districts that are virtually walking distance from the actual house claim second homes, a fact that is controversial and astounding. what makes all of this even better is that none of this was supposed to come to light. it's all covered by official secrets and while the public knew that there were expense accounts, they had no idea how much the mps were spending or what they were spending it on. now it's all been revealed and it comes as no surprise that people are livid. at the same time that all parties are calling for cut backs in spending on

health care and public services, these VERY SAME people are using tax money because their hedges at their second homes are just way too out of control and a landscaper is needed ASAP, lest things really get nuts. at a time when unemployment is out of control (i've only JUST found a job working in a pub and i only got that because i know someone who works there) so more people are forced to rely on government assistance to pay for frivolous things like rent and food mps feel that they are being victimised because last week they said that they were going to have to really cut back on helping people pay for potatoes and thi

s week are being yelled at for using enough tax-payer money to give everyone in the country enough potatoes to last until the end of the century to pay the mortgage on their 2 million pound second home that's an hour's drive from their 4 million pound first ones.

and SERIOUSLY these mps are really on the defensive. not in an, 'i'm so sorry, that was really stupid and irresponsible of me' sort of way but in an 'i didn't do anything wrong! why are you yelling at me? i need that house and couldn't just let the duck pond remain untended, could i?' sort of way. can you imagine how outraged the american public would be if they found out that hillary had used tax money to buy a couple of houses, furnish

them, make sure the grounds remained immaculate, paid staff to clean and cook, paid the utilities and then used even more of it to shuffle herself and her hubby between the houses and washington? the woman would be brought into the town center and stoned to death. here, the mps are being all self-righteous and unapologetic.

so, the public is furious and now everybody's saying that there needs to be a total re-haul of the way the government works. the speaker of the house of commons has already been forced to step down as a result of all of this (a position that that he had held for decades and the first time that that's happened in living memory). they're actually talk

ing about making the system more like the american system, whereby each mp is elected partially because of party affiliation and partially because they are the lesser of all possible evils. they're also talking about making it so that mps actually have individual votes in the house so that each one truly represents his/her constituency rather than just voting with the party. it is not possible at present for an mp to vote across party lines. it just can't happen and they somehow think that this is the only way that anything will ever get done. if that were the case, nothing would EVER get done in washington... oh wait, my bad.

so yea, i get here and within a month corruption and ineptitude become the order of the day in whitehall. awesome.

i can only hope that i also brought with me a little bit of the obama luck and that this means that reforms will shortly be the order of the day. maybe get this place cleaned up a little.

for now, keep your eye out for updates (don't worry, next post will be lovely and light-hearted-- and soon-- i promise). i'll let you know how we're getting on here on the streets of her majesty's kingdom of great britain and northern ireland...

damn, that one REALLY doesn't work.

In Memoriam: Natasha Richardson

loved her, love her sister, love her mom, love her husband.

i even liked her in 'maid in manhattan'. now that's saying something.
my greatest sympathy and condolences go out to her family and friends (and especially her kids).

Open Letter to New Orleans

Nola,
i almost don't know what to say to you. we've been together for so long that i really do feel as if you're a part of me. i now know that i'll be leaving you soon. don't worry, i'll come back to visit and you'll always be with me, no matter where i go.
i worry about you so often. every summer i'll be watching and hoping that nothing comes your way to harm you. i'll keep up with my charities, etc from scotland. i'm even keeping this post as 'from the streets of katrinaville' because i feel that, no matter where i am, my heart is here. i'll miss your oak trees and your festivals. i'll miss your food and your music. i'll miss your heart and personality.
take care of my family and friends while i'm gone, please. keep them safe.
stay in touch. i know i will.
love always,
nic

Visa Approval Email

i got an email saying that my visa's been approved. approved. approved. approved.
i got my approval
approval
approval
that means we'll be on the boat on time
and we don't have to spend more money
and
andand
and
and
i got my approval email... i should get the actual visa in the mail in a couple of days.
APPROVAL!!!!!!!!! :)
thank you visa clearance officer!!
i love you,
nicole

Brad Pitt reminds Washington that New Orleans still exists

i have to give it to you brad, you're still coming through for us...

while i have to admit that i'm sick of seeing pics of st ang running around in wigs in dc making her new film, 'salt', i have to say that you have opted to use your time hanging in dc with your baby momma for a good cause.
for those of you who don't know, brad is in washington right now (with angie, who's making some movie... i'm sure you've seen the wonked out pics). he has met with nancy pelosi and other dem leaders to try to gain some support from washington for his 'make it right' program here in new orleans. way to bring it to the top, brad! i know that you were going grass roots for a long time and that's fab but we all know that DC has totally forgotten about us (not that they don't have some other pretty weighty issues to deal with now). with the economy as it is, it's getting even harder here than it was before so brad decided to take it to the top and get the government involved (as we can all agree that they haven't really noticed us since sometime around the 28th of august, 2005).
way to go, brad!! push 'make it right', let them know we're here, we still need help and make them do your bidding (well, everyone else does-- why would the senate be any different?). seriously, way to keep on keeping on!
all the best,

nic

ps-- i just read that he's even been granted an audience with obama himself to talk about new orleans. rock it, brad. bush might not care about black people but something tells me that obama does. good luck!

pps-- i read some thing online about an interview in which they asked anniston about brad (did you really expect anything different?) and she apparently said that she was, 'way over him'. ok, jenn. we believe you. suuuuuuure we do. and you didn't look nervous at the oscars while angie was looking up and laughing at you and your stuttering, stumbling speach, either.

Open Letter to the Visa Clearance Officer at the British Consulate in L.A.

Dear Mr/Ms/Miss/Mrs Visa Clearance Officer,

hey! how are you doing? i was just writing to see how you are and to see what's been up. you know, you first heard from me a little more than a month ago and we've really fallen out of touch since then. i don't think that we're not talking because you're mad at me. i can't really see how you would be. i gave you everything you asked for. you know that gavs and i are a real couple (if the 400 pictures didn't prove it, i don't know what will). you guys said that it would be 3 to 4 weeks tops. we're over that time period now and i'm getting a little (ok, a lot) worried that maybe we've fallen out for some reason. if i did something to upset you, just let me know and i'll fix it. if not, could you please do me a HUGE favor and approve my visa? it would really help me out (and save me from losing my already tenuous grip on reality). thanks, i appreciate it.hope you're well and that you have a good weekend (oh, if you could tell me today-- before the weekend-- that would allow me to really relax A LOT and enjoy my weekend like you wouldn't believe. just in case... i thought i'd mention). anyway, thanks again.
yours,
nicole

Books you must read before you're too senile to remember that you've read them

ok, i've seen 1001 books that tell me all about the 1001 books that i simply MUST read before i die. i'm not sure who is writing these books that tell me what books to read but it seems a little bit insane. that being said, i'm all for insanity so i'm going to go with MY very own list of 12 (just because i like the number) books you MUST read before you get hit by a bus or come down with some horrible illness and they have to put you in a bubble because your immune system is so weak that even being around outside air might kill you (and we're assuming you can't sterilize books).

i'm not going to make this painfully long- just the book, author and a line or two about why i think it deserves a place on my list (which isn't really in any particular order).

1. Lolita, Vladimir Nabokov. one of the greatest authors of all time, lolita is arguably nabokov's most famous book. it's beautifully written, creepy, sad, funny and everything else you want a book to be. pedophilia as a love story. the villan as a victim. it doesn't get better than this. and if that doesn't convince you then the opening chapter should:

Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. Lo-lee-ta: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth. Lo. Lee. Ta.

She was Lo, plain Lo, in the morning, standing four feet ten in one sock. She was Lola in slacks. She was Dolly at school. She was Dolores on the dotted line. But in my arms she was always Lolita.
Did she have a precursor? She did, indeed she did. In point of fact, there might have been no Lolita at all had I not loved, one summer, a certain initial girl-child. In a princedom by the sea. Oh when? About as many years before Lolita was born as my age was that summer. You can always count on a murderer for a fancy prose style.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, exhibit number one is what the seraphs, the misinformed, simple, noble-winged seraphs, envied. Look at this tangle of thorns.

2. The Stranger, Albert Camus. apart from being one of the best books written by one of the best authors of all time this book has the honorable distinction of having a Cure song written about it ("Killing An Arab"). one of two books that i consider to truly capture my sense and idea of existentialism in prose form. drenched in camus' ideas about the absurdity of the human condition (and existence) and a universe devoid of consequence or meaning, this book shows me new things each time i read it.

3. The Dark Is Rising (sequence), Susan Cooper. this is a series of 5 books (yes, they're children's fantasy books) that is one of the best i've ever read. the books weave in and out in terms of main characters, place and time, ultimately culminating in a combination of complex story lines that you wouldn't have expected. cooper is so amazing at weaving in heavy references to authurian legend, celtic legend and just good old fashioned good versus evil that i defy even the most cynical of adults to not enjoy these books.

4. his dark materials, philip pullman. (that's right, i've already lost the will to use caps). i'm sure everyone heard about the film, 'the golden compass' that came out and was based on the first in this trilogy of novels. i saw the film and it in no way did this series justice. the books are about (yes, of course) the battle between good and evil but they're also about the purity of love, the infinite nature of the universe (or universes), the human condition, the nature of the human soul, death, the afterlife, innocence and sacrifice. they are action packed, entertaining, touching and i have never known anyone who has read them and not liked them.

5. the curious case of the dog in the night-time, mark haddon. i'm not really sure how to describe what this book is about or why it had such an impact on me. it's a sort of mystery story told from the perspective of an autistic boy... but his autism isn't really the focus of the book (although it clearly plays a major factor). this isn't 'flowers for algrenon'. the book is funny and engaging, not only in the way that it allows you into the boy's mind but in terms of the plot and development of the story itself. mark haddon came out of nowhere with this (his first) book and i think it's honestly one of the best i've ever read.

6. the interpreter of maladies, jhumpa lahiri. perhaps you've seen (or read) lahiri's second work, 'the namesake'. if so then you know that she is capable of telling sublimely beautiful stories that resonate with the reader to the very core. interpreter of maladies is actually a collection of short stories, all of them about what it is to be indian in both india and the states. some of the stories focus of 2nd generation indians who have grown up in the states and the distance they feel from their rich and colorful heritage, some are about life on the streets of bombay. regardless of the setting, the characters are so well developed and the scenes set so perfectly that you can see the dark browns and oranges of the henna and you can smell the masala as you're reading. regardless of your feelings about india, this book will make everyone realize that there is a connection within you to where you came from-- even if you've never physically been there.

7. venus in furs, leopold von sacher-masoch. ahh... leopold. the masochism to the marquis' sadism. i'm not saying that this is the best novel in the world but if you write a book and when people read it they name a sexual deviancy after you, it deserves to be on the list. i do have to say that i actually did enjoy it though. it's part of an epic series but this is the only part of it i read (thanks, lou reed).

8. titus groan/gormenghast, mervyn peake. these are actually the first two books in a trilogy. the final book, titus alone-- well, let's just say that you can skip it. these first two though are sheer genius. the first book, titus groan, tells of the birth of the son of the 76th earl of groan. the whole story is set within the walls (the rocks, the stones) of a place called gormenghast, a series of castles and turrets and buildings and huts that make up a fantastical, gothic earldom. there is seemingly nothing outside of the stones. all that you see is gormenghast. the cast of characters in both titus groan and gormenghast are quite stunning. there is young titus himself (who does not really fugure in all that much until the 2nd novel as he is only 2 at the end of the first), the mysterious steerpike, whose cunning and charm make him quite the adversary, the daughter of the earl, fuchsia who is lost in her own world of fantasty and dreams... i could go on for ages. these books are classics for their amazing descriptive passages and character development alone (but they are so much more). i might add that this is another one of my selections that The Cure has written a song about ('The Drowning Man'). ahhh, robert. how much you have to show us.

9. marabou stork nightmares, irvine welsh. this book is insane. literally. it's told on two levels, one in a first-person, past tense narrative and the other in a weird stream of consiousness present-tense freak out narrative (here it must be mentioned that our narrator is in a coma). the book is fascinating, scarry, an interesting read and...let's be frank...when the man who brought you 'trainspotting' decides he's going to show you what crazy is, you read it.

10. lanark, alasdair gray. how does one even begin to explain lanark? first of all, it took gray 30 years to write. secondly, it's written in four 'books' but they are out of sequence (purposefully, of course). we begin in book 3, where we meet lanark (who isn't even sure that that is his name). he has just awoken on a train. all he has with him is a bag. he has just awoken on a train. he has no idea how he got there or who he is. he arrives in unthank, a post-apocolyptic version of glasgow where the sun never shines and people disappear and turn into demonic creatures. by the end of book 3 we are so enthralled, confused and locked in wide-eyed wonderment that we cannot help but keep reading. once we've passed through the mystifying world of book 3 we enter the world of book 1. book 1 is the story of a young boy named duncan thaw living in pre-war glasgow. the narrative in books one and two (the order is book 3,1,2,4) is straight-forward and not fantastical as it is in books one and four. i'll let you climb into this one before i give anything away. is duncan thaw lanark? is lanark dead? is unthank hell? is glasgow hell? this book is considered to be one of the most brilliant and insightful works concerning the psyche of the scottish peoples in the 20th century (anthony burgess himself said that gray was the best scottish novelist since walter scott)-- not to mention it's just well-written and damn cool.

11. mysteries, knut hampsun. an interesting book about a traveller who enters a small town and begins to befriend all of the locals, including a mysterious dwarf whose story is unclear at best. little is known about the traveller but all who see or meet him are somehow drawn to him. the novel itself is really quite amazing but almost eclipsed by the insanity of the man who wrote it. knut hampson was- not to put too fine a point on it- an absolute fucker. he was a scandinavian writer of nazi propoganda and a virtual hermit. apparently, at one point hitler went to meet with hampsun. upon leaving his company, hitler said that he never wanted to see that crazy bastard again (i'm paraphrasing). his horrible personal life aside, mysteries is actually a very engaging and surprising book that shows that even people that madmen think are mad can create art that is beautiful.

12. pride and prejudice, jane austen. yea, i know. you've seen the movie (or, at least one of the 50,000 versions that have been made). thing is, it's a proper love story. austen really does bring us to rural england, to london, to the pits of hatred and the heights of love. it is moving, the language descriptive and the writing enchanting. this is the one that redeems the romance genre as all of the crappy romance novels that have been written since have tainted it.

oh yeah, and just because i've had a crappy day...we'll end with some much needed eye-pleasure--

Open Letter to Gerard Butler...

Gerry,
we have to talk. i haven't said too much about you here and i think that the things that i've said have been fairly complementary (at least in terms of your looks) but i have given you a hard time in terms of your ability to act. now, i've seen a couple more of your films and i've learned some things about ones that i'd already seen that cast them in a different light... so i have to say that i'm sorry for saying that we would just put you in front of a camera so that you could look pretty.
the first thing is that i really didn't realize that that was you in, 'dear frankie'. i saw that movie years ago, loved it and just didn't know who you were. i did really like you in it, though and thought that you acted very well. i also recently saw, 'rocknrolla' (or however it's meant to be written) and i thought that you were really good and funny in that, as well (although i really think that guy ritchie just needs to stop. it's the same movie over and over. that being said, if i were offered a part in a woody allen movie i would take it in a heartbeat- even if it was just a rehashing of something he'd done before. BUT woody just did 'vicky christina barcelona' which isn't really anything like his other films and other that 'swept away'-- i'll pause so that you can all breathe to keep yourselves from gagging-- ritchie keeps churning out the same shit). anyway, i understand why you would want to work with him and i thought that the movie was ok but more to the point, you were good in it.
i have also come to the conclusion that although it is a VERY sappy love story, if it were not for the presence of hillary swank in 'P.S. I Love You', that it could have been much better. In fact, i thought that you were good in it. she was rubbish and yet i genuinely believed that you were in love with her. anyone who can pull that off has to be given some sort of props for acting ability. i even like your singing in it. thought it was pretty damn good. we will come to accents in a bit...
last night i saw, 'Butterfly on a Wheel'. ok, so the movie was a bit odd and i called the ending really early in (to a certain extent) but i again thought that you were good. i like the raw emotion that your capable of showing on screen. it's a clive oweny type of thing. it doesn't seem contrived or forced. when you seem angry or frightened (or even in love) i believe you. and isn't that the mark of good acting.? again, we'll come to accents in a bit...
as far as '300' goes, i saw it not really knowing what it was and thought that it was an overly-digitized, historically inaccurate abomination. then i learned that it was a frank miller piece. to my mind that forgives the animated look of the film and even the historical inaccuracies. it's frank miller, it was meant to look like a graphic novel (it was, in fact, a graphic novel brought to the screen- just like 'sin city'). so that's ok. i thought that you were good in it now that i know what it was going for. at first i thought that you were way over the top (which you would have been if it had been a normal film) but it was MEANT to be over the top. so, for making fun of that, i am sorry. i now see that you pulled off what you were aiming for (and now i sort of like it- not enough to see it again- but nonetheless).
i also re-watched bits of 'Mrs. Brown' and although you're only in it for a bit, i have to say that you were good in it. there was no overacting, you fit into the role as you should have. you were believable and it was a good part for you.
on the other hand, i'm scared to watch 'Phantom of the Opera'. i really am not quite sure why you would agree to make this into a film but i don't want to tarnish the image i have of you now so i think i'm going to steer clear of it.
oh, i also saw, 'Nim's Island' and as much as i can't stand jodie foster i thought that it was a cute family film and that you were good in it. it was just an average film in general but i have no complaints about your acting in it, so that's a plus for you.
i'm going to ignore that you did 'tomb raider' because no matter how good or bad you might have been in it i won't be able to focus on what you're doing because i'll be too busy cringing at st. angie's accent...
speaking of accents, we've come to that time. now, in many of your films you roll with your own accent (which is beautiful, i might add). great deep voice, great posh(ish) glaswegian accent... i love it. in others (like, 'ps i love you' and 'butterfly on a wheel') you go for first an irish accent and then an american one. now, british actors are well known for their ability to morph into other accents (especially american ones) but in 'butterfly on a wheel' it actually took me about 20 minutes to figure out if you were doing an american accent or just playing a scottish guy who's lived in the states for so long that his accent is lighter than it once was. but no, you were going for american. you either need an accent coach or you need to just stop taking rolls that require you to put on an accent. your accent in 'ps i love you' sounds like no irish person i've ever met (and i've met quite a few) and i shouldn't have to struggle to try and figure out where you're from in a film. i should just know, 'oh, he's american'. i'm not sure why your directors aren't pointing this flaw out to you, but someone has to. i think that maybe your accent is just too strong perhaps. i'm not sure. all i know is, stick to your real accent. the films that you're in in which you use your real voice are much better and the weirdness doesn't get in the way.
to conclude (for now) i'll just say that i'm sorry that i said that you were just a pretty face (although you are that, too). you've actually done some really good work and i look forward to seeing you progress in the future. just please-- stop making movies with hillary swank and st. angie (oh, and i hear you're doing something with katherine heigel now-- for the love of god!! make sure who's in the movie BEFORE you accept the role!). you can get better leading ladies. seriously.
on a slightly personal note- i read your bio thing on imdb and i have to say that i love you all the more for being a lawyer who quit to become an actor, that you saved that kid's life during 'mrs brown' and that you are apparently really cool to EVERYONE on set, not just the big celebs. props for that. i'm still questioning your taste in women but i can't begin to believe that you've really been with everyone they've linked you with (i mean, travis barker's ex? that ho? come on...) so i'll just live with the knowledge that you're a man-whore (i'm not complaining) with possibly dubious taste (cameron diaz?!? uugghh). still, if you can take the ladies and then walk away (especially a-listers like funky face diaz) more power to you.
all the best,
nicp.s. you really are just smokin' hot (and you sooooo know it).

Hapy Mardi Gras, Kids!

while i sit in my house and lament the fact that i know nothing about my visa to the uk yet the rest of new orleans is out celebrating mardi gras. i might actually wander up to see rex so that IF i do get approved i can say that i didn't spend my entire last holiday season stressing and pouting.

wherever you are... when you get off of work go and have a few beers and yell at random strangers, 'throw me something'. be ready to duck though as they might throw bottles or other heavy things. also, try taking your top off and see what you get in exchange. unless you're somehow physically accosted i bet it would be better than plastic beads.

HAPPY MARDI GRAS!!!!

The Christians Are Taking Over... wait, didn't they do that already?

ok, so i was listening to npr on the radio on the way to work this morning (yes, on a saturday ) and they posed the question, 'what was the highest grossing independent film of 2008?'

like you (probably) my mind went straight to 'slumdog millionaire' (which if you haven't seen yet- stop reading this, leave the house immediately and get thee to a theater). apparently though we are wrong. the top grossing indie film of 2008 is a film that you've probably never even heard of (and if you have i have to wonder about you).

it's called, 'fireproof' and it was made by some group that calls themselves something like the independent christian film counsel. i did like that the commentator on npr said that this group of christians was 'drawing to maginot line between themselves and the hollywood and mainstream indie film worlds- don't being to ask me how indie films are mainstream... that's another post- i just like that he actually made reference to the maginot line which clearly isn't referred to enough). it should come as no surprise that teen heart-throb cum crazy christian zealot kirk cameron starred in this film (and if you haven't seen the thing about how the banana proves creationism then you're missing out on some REALLY good stuff-- view it here-- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aLqQttJinjo ).

so i have no idea what this film, 'fireproof' is about (other than that it's clearly about God and Christ...) but what i do know is that it was made for $500,000 (which is pretty impressive- although i haven't even seen a clip so the production value could be super crappy) and that it pulled in... wait for it... $33,000,000.00!!! wtf??!?! when it opened (in sept of 08, i think) it actually opened at 4th!! it beat out spike lee!

it also happens that i found out their secret to success (they're not shy about sharing it). they did sneak previews all over the country for ministers and pastors, etc who then went and told their congregations that they HAD to go see this film. and you know, when God tells you you have to see something you really have no choice. this seems like totally duplicitous marketing to me (it's like tithing, i feel) but it worked.

i think that we should all boycott these films (not like you were all running out to see them anyway) because of the dubious marketing tactics (and because, judging by the promo poster below they might actually make you ill.

MSN's love advice

so i fell asleep at about 7pm last night (the stress of waiting for my visa is really taking its toll) and ended up waking up at 3am. what better way to waste the 5 hours that i have before i have to leave for work than tooling around on the internet, right (even though that's half of what i do at work so it's almost like i'm already there-- just in pajamas)?
so i came across this little piece that had been written and posted on msn.com entitled, '18 ways to know your man still loves you'. i first wanted to say that if you have to look to msn to figure out if your boyfriend/husband still loves you then he probably doesn't. i read them and i have to say that i don't think that any of them are actually indicators of whether you are loved. the first one was something like, 'if you get into bed in shorts and a t-shirt he still thinks your cute'. who wrote this, tammy faye-baker (whatever her new married name is)? do we have to be dressed to the nines with make-up on for our significant others to find us attractive?

ok... i started this post in the wee early morning hours (as was previously stated...) and then forgot about it. suffice it to say, i found the list to be horrifying. it was so misogynistic and played to what men think women's worst fears are (he won't love me if i'm not plucked and shaved). it was disgusting.
i was going to go back just now and finish it but then i came across another 18 ways article on msn that has not piqued my interest. it's '18 ways to know you're elitist'. ok, so the first two are sort of wash. 1 is 'you don't speak like a normal person' and then he makes reference to sarah palin. i don't know if i speak like a normal person but i don't speak like her so i think i'm safe on that one.
2 was something about GOP leaders being elitist because they think that middle america prefers presidential candidates who sound like dumb-asses (this might be elitist on their part but i think bush proved that this was actually correct).
3- you're on a first name basis with the sushi chef at whole foods. ok, i am but that's because gavin works there. i think that they make rubbish sushi and would much rather go somewhere really good (does this make me even MORE of an elitist?).
4- you go to whole foods. ok, ok... back it up. everyone goes to whole foods. they have good produce and while they might be pricey sometimes people (especially veggies like me) are willing to pay the extra 20 cents to get a good tomato rather than a mealy one. i don't think it's elitist to want to be able to enjoy your fresh fruit and veg or to be able to buy oats in bulk (it's actually cheaper that way). i'm not talking about the $30 bottles of olive oil, either-- that IS pretension. i'm just talking about going in and getting a higher standard of quality. that's not being an elitist... it's being a foodie.
5- "Look at you, Mr. Fancypants, with your snobbish notion that not every piece of furniture in your bedroom must look like it came from the same 1978 Levitz fire sale." i must have missed that reference there as i just don't get it but it seems that he's saying that if you have taste in furnishings and don't want to sleep on ratty mattresses then you're an elitist. if this is the case then i'm happy to be guilty. just as your clothes are a reflection of your personality (meeg, don't even bring up derelicte!) so your furnishings are a reflection of who you are (if you can afford for them to be, at any rate). if you can make your home nice and comfortable and aesthetically pleasing then i don't understand why you wouldn't. this one just seems stupid.
6- here's where he brings up strap-ons. now i'm not shy but i'm not even going to begin to go into it and have NO clue how this relates to elitism.
7- hehe it's 'you know what a strap-on is. in a good way.' ok, fair enough. maybe by those standards i am an elitist (although i still don't get the correlation).
8- he goes off on hope and barack and then says, "Only elitist snobs know what "venerable" means. Or "acumen."'. i guess i'm guilty there, too.
9. i have to quote this one just for meeg and then i'll say no more about it... "When selecting an effective inebriant with which to numb if not completely drown the searing oatmealy dread that rumbles deep in your core after eight years of Bush and which has now been harshly rekindled by the offensive McPalin nightmare, you skip right past the beer and even the wine and go straight for the absinthe."
10- is a laundry list of things you might notice in a 'friend of a friend's home' when you go for a dinner party. apparently if you notice the stemware, art, or books on the walls you're an elitist. isn't that why art is there on the walls? to be noticed?
rather than list the rest and comment i'm just going to quote the ones that i actually think are funny...
14. You prefer spirituality to religion, fluid self-determinism to Biblical dogma, premium sake to sacramental wine, devising new sins instead of merely indulging the old ones, swallowing instead of spitting, back door to front, Shakti to Mary, and floating instead of kneeling.
15. You speak a foreign language. This implies you might understand something of the world, have an interest in a culture other than your own, or have perhaps even traveled to some exotic foreign land that isn't Texas or New Jersey or Hawaii, a place where they like weird cheeses and don't fear gay people and ride bicycles to the opera.
16. You recognize and appreciate more than 50 percent of the references and enjoy at least a quarter of the featured profiles in the New York Times Arts section. Also, you read the New York Times. Also, you read.
this one is pretty good-- 17. You are, for some godforsaken reason, absolutely convinced all the way down to your most profound sense of what is divine and truthful in this strangled world that violence and bloodshed are rarely the answer, that the irrefutable spiritual laws of the universe confirm that like attracts like and even at a quantum level there is a profound pull toward a divine, benevolent dynamic equilibrium, and therefore constructing a malicious national policy of torture and surveillance and pre-emptive aggression merely shames the better nature of the human animal and invites a particularly violent energy into the national bloodstream and poisons the human heart as it creates nothing but more turmoil and unrest and hate in the world. Man, only an elitist jerk would tolerate a ridiculous run-on sentence like that.
and... THE BEST ONE-- 18. Your most treasured pieces of writing don't feature Muggles, Hobbits, glossy centerfolds of Dale Earnhardt Jr., dogs named Marley, or an angry and omnipotent patriarch who demands unquestioning subservience and strict adherence to often cruel, arbitrary laws of behavior from on high, who forsakeths thou for months and years at a time and never writes or calls and then suddenly reappears without warning only to rain down hellfire and frogs and locusts and totally inconvenient plagues on everyone, and never even apologizes. And then you're supposed to feel all guilty? For like, 2,000 years? Whatever.

nice.

45 Things (that Meeg predicted I would fill out)

1. Do you like blue cheese? i do but i prefer softer, creamier cheeses

2. Have you ever smoked heroin? i plead the 5th

3. Do you own a gun? nope and never will

4. What flavor do you add to your drink at Starbucks? no starbucks for me, that might change when i live in a city that doesn't have so many indie coffee shops.

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? only if i'm there because i think something's wrong. if it's just a check-up, no.

6. What do you think of hot dogs? they are meat so i don't eat them

7. Favorite Christmas movie? we were just talking about this the other day and now i totally can't remember... it was something really obscure... crap! i totally forget. i'll get back to you on this one.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? coffee, always coffee

9. Can you do push ups? yes. how many is a different question...

10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? i'd like to say that it's my wedding ring but it's probably the ring (that no longer fits me) that my mother gave me when i was about 11.

11. Favorite hobby? maybe writing (but i hope that that won't be a 'hobby' for long). maybe reading, taking photos... it's a mood thing, how can i have a fave?

12. Do you have A.D.D? nope. i know people who do and i certainly don't

13. What's one trait you hate about yourself? i'm going with meeg on this one and saying laziness.

14. Middle name? caroyln

15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment? i wonder when i'll hear about my visa, i can't believe i still have over an hour before i even START work, i hope this mardi gras is more fun than painful (ugh, the traffic!)

16. Name 3 things you bought yesterday? smokes, vegetarian grape leaves and a lebanese tea

17. Name 3 things you drink daily: coffee, water, tea (usually iced)

18. Current worry? moving and all that it entails (visa, money, getting there, visa, missing friends, who will visit, visa, will i miss new orleans terribly, visa...)

19. Current Dislike? uk visa services (for taking their dear sweet time!)

20. How did you bring in the New Year? gavin and i stayed in, made a nice dinner, cuddled up together and then passed out before 2 (we were both pretty ill)

21. Where would you like to go? the list is endless...

22. Name three people who will complete this. ok meeg, you got me. i did it. i don't think anyone else will. maybe kristen if she sees it.

23. Do you own slippers? yup, wear them all of the time.

24. What shirt are you wearing? white, torn up men's undershirt (still in my pj's).

25. [Missing apparently]

26. Favorite color? mood thing- usually grey though- or a light blue

27. Could you be a pirate? hmmm, i like the boats and the travel. not too fond of the not showering and the guns. scurvy and i don't really get along, either.

28. What songs do you sing in the shower? don't really sing in the shower unless i can hear music from the other room and then it's whatever's on

29. Favorite food? no faves, like all sorts... japanese, vietnamese, thai, italian, sometimes just plain ol' fresh fruit is just what the doctor ordered.

30. What's in your pocket right now? no pockets in my pjs.

31. Last thing that made you laugh? a text meeg sent me last night (ok, it was a chuckle- not a full on laugh but it counts)

32. Favorite sheets? the ones i lost in the storm

33. Worst injury you have ever had? probably the time i got a flat and the guy didn't put the jack on the car correctly. he walked away and i tried to put the tire on and the car fell, i was really badly bruised and cut from shoulder to elbow and it smashed my hand. was pretty bad, had to have x-rays (was just a mild fracture) and a tetanus shot and the bruising didn't go away for weeks. wish i had taken pics. it was grizzly.

34. Do you love where you live? very much, despite the hardships that come with it sometimes.

35. How many TVs do you have in your house? two (but one's really small and only gets turned on occasionally)

36. Who is your loudest friend? ohh, i don't know. lori can be pretty loud sometimes. i think everyone has their moments.

37. How many dogs do you have? None.

38. Does someone have a crush on you? for some reason i get asked out a lot at work. it's weird.

39. What are your favorite book(s): oh well, that's just impossible to answer. there are too many good ones! the 'dark is rising' sequence, 'his dark materials', 'lolita', 'invitation to a beheading', 'little, big' (that one's for you, meeg), the nesbit books, 'notes from the underground', 'the plague', 'the stranger', 'nausea'...really, this could go on forever.

40. What is your favorite candy? no idea. totally a mood thing.

41. Favorite Sports Water: i do like some of the vitamin waters. does that count? i don't drink them often but they're ok.

42. What songs do you want sung at your funeral? i am TOTALLY not jinxing myself by answering this... will also never answer the question, 'how do you want to be remembered?'. oh yeah, those are like the kiss of death.

43. What were you doing 12 AM last night? tossing and turning, trying to get to sleep.

44. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke this morning? damn, it's early and there's no way i'm getting back to sleep. ah well, i guess i'll just hop on the computer. i wonder if i'll hear about my visa today...

45. Favorite place to be? with friends and family (as long as everyone is having fun).

The Inside Scoop: Brangelina actually shop for themselves and they don't care if lowly supermarket workers have to come in early or stay late.

so i heard through the grapevine that at some point last week (so the story goes- and i got this from a good source) that in the wee hours of the morning whole foods market on magazine got a call from either st. angie herself or from one of the members of her army of assistants (i'm sure it was an assistant) saying that st. angie wanted to come in to get some schwag from whole foods but that (of course) she couldn't be arsed with dealing with the masses who would (naturally) follow her around and try to touch her so that whatever disease they might have would be instantly cured. ok, maybe her assistant didn't say that but it was said that st. angie COULD NOT mingle with the masses and demanded that whole foods open early for st. angie and ONLY st. angie. whole foods (for whatever reason) obliged and opened early. st. angie came in alone (gasp) and did her shopping and then left. (meeg said that he thinks she just couldn't be arsed waiting in line)

too sexy to mingle

it gets better...

later that day the very same whole foods got a call from sir brad saying that HE wanted some schwag from whole foods but that HE could not be arsed with the masses so could they stay open late so that he could walk around the store unmolested. yet again whole foods obliged and made their poor staff stay at work for an extra hour so that sir brad could wander around and buy the things that (inexplicably) his baby momma did not get for him while she was there earlier that same day.

too cool to mingle

what makes all this amusing (while not surprising) is that a-listers go into whole foods alllll the time. sean penn (love him or hate him) went in on a sunday no less (a crazy busy day) and no one bugged him in the least bit. drew brees (while not an international a-lister, is certainly HUGELY famous in new orleans) goes to whole foods on a weekly basis and even sits in the breezeway at the tables and eats lunch, sometimes staying for over an hour and nobody bothers him at all. some notable others that don't require such special treatment are- forrest whitaker, john c. reiley (who hilariously was in there, drunk, at 10am and knocked over an entire display of wine bottles, breaking them all over the floor), selma hayek, harry shearer (mr. burns), laurence fishburn, brittney murphy (although who would really go talk to her?), john goodman is in ALL of the time, james carvill goes in multiple times a week, minnie driver, lenny kravitz (who is apparently really picky about his water), harry connick jr (again, maybe not so internationally huge-- but locally ENORMOUS), the manning brothers (eli and peyton), and a bunch of saints players (like deuce and bush).

really what i'm getting at is why can brad and angie not shop with us, why don't they care if people with children have to work an hour later because they can't shop with the rest of us, why they both had to personally go in on the same day, making some people who were pulling doubles come in early AND stay late and why can they not only shop with us but why is it that the likes of sean penn and forrest whitaker can?

Thou shalt not question Stephen Fry

Oh Academy... way to prove me right

in response to meeg's comment on my last post i have to say that it's a crime that cate blanchett and tilda swindon (meeg, didn't we discuss that somehow they're like 2 sides of the same coin and that it's a weird superman/clark kent thing with them?) are in the

horror film, 'the curious case of... oh, sorry, even the title makes me fall asleep'. they're both so good in so many other things (although i do feel like tilda has a slightly greater propensity to be in questionable things-- 'michael clayton' springs to mind).

also, i'd like to bring up the fact that my boss told me today that he really liked benjamin button and when i said that it was like 'forrest gump' only slower, longer and more painful he responded with, "that's why it was great! it was like 'forrest gump' meets 'titanic'". i don't think that i needto say anything else there. if you feel like you'd enjoy the celluloid bastard love-child of 'titanic' and 'forrest gump' then 'the curious case of benjamin button' is for you. if the thought of that makes you want to stab your eyes out with the needles used for any one of saint angie's tats then don't see it.

i also feel vindicated that i wrote this (and said, 'shame on you, academy!!') the day BEFORE the noms came out and then 'curious case' was nominated for everything from 'best douche in a leading role' to 'douchiest screenplay'. i just KNEW that they would end up rewarding this fuckery. oh, and for nominating angiblahina for best actress, too. if she wins i think it's one of the

signs of the coming of the apocalypse.

i do have to say that the only thing that really saves the academy this year is the fact that they have actually recognized the greatness of 'slumdog millionaire' and its director danny boyle (whose body of work is just plain amazing).

Academy and Hollywood Foreign Press, you are both dead to me now.

ok, so i had a conversation before the golden globes with meeg in which i stated that if angelia joile won best actress for 'the changeling' that i would write a blog post entitled, 'hollywood foreign press, you are dead to me'. alas, she did not win. anne 'my ex-fiance's a felon and somehow i had no idea' hathaway did. i haven't seen 'rachel at the wedding' or whatever film it is that she won for but i have no doubt in my mind that it was better than 'the changeling' (not like i like little ms. anne. i actually DON'T like her- but i dislike angelia far more so all's well).

anyway, i'm off on a tangent here. i didn't write the post because, as i previously stated, angelina didn't win. and then just the other night i saw 'the curious case of benjamin button'. now, if you read this at all regularly then you know that i have a very odd relationship with brad pitt. i love him, i hate him, i'm indifferent towards him, i think he's an ass for leaving jen, i think he's just a man who fell in love, i think he's definitely not as attractive as people give him credit for and yet i will give him that his body rocks. what does not rock IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM is 'the curious case of benjamin button'. for the love of God, who greenlit this project? it was sort of like the thinking man's 'forrest gump' only it lasted for 732 years and it was less entertaining. it was chock-a-block full of one-liney life lessons, statements that you're meant to carry out of the theatre and hold to your breast as life changing affirmations about the beauty of the world and love and... pardon me, i'm about to be sick into my own scorn (thank you, bernard).

so i come to the reason why the academy and the hollywood foreign press are dead to me. angie and brad might not have won but they were both nominated. angie was nominated with the likes of (i love her) meryl streep ffs!! this implies to all that have not seen 'the changeling' that it was somehow good (and it was in NO way good). 'the changeling' wasn't even about what the trailers implied it was about and angie's performance was over the top (to say the least). she looks so terribly gaunt and skinny that it's disgusting and she's so caked in makeup (more than is necessary even given that it's a period piece and that the women of the time wore a lot of makeup) that it just ruins it more that i thought possible. then we have brad's little pet project that was nominated for just about everything (including best picture). given that it came out on christmas day and that most people haven't seen it yet, this implies to those who haven't that it might be worth seeing. these award shows and the people who do the nominations are playing right into brad and angie's hands. now people are going to waste their time seeing 'the curious case of why anyone thought it was a good idea to make this film'. as my friend kyle said as soon as the film was over, 'well, that's 3 hours of my life i'm never getting back'. and i saw it with allyson, gavin and kyle. between the 4 of us our tastes are pretty varied and cover just about every genre of film. had it been in any way good at least one of us would have stood up for it. there was not a voice in its favor amongst us. i'm even a big fan of movies (good or bad) that show a decent amount of new orleans scenery (take 'double jeopardy' for example. crappy ashley judd movie and yet i'll watch it to look at how badly they mess up the actual layout of new orleans. oh, don't even get me started about how in that movie 'deja vu' with denzel that there was actually a street IN the french quarter called 'king oak street' AND that there's a ferry explosion which kills like 700 people. have you ever been on the algiers ferry? MAYBE you could fit 100 people on there at a push... MAYBE. but i'll watch these films and enjoy the inaccuracies and it makes them worthwhile somehow). 'benjamin button' had none of this... it didn't even really show new orleans in any way that any of us know it (even remotely). it's all centered around this one house and then there are a few shots of the river that could frankly have been shot on any large river in the world. i suppose that the scenes in which he's riding his motorcycle to the lake are pretty clearly somewhere in new orleans although it could have been florida (if i didn't know better). so the movie was bad and it didn't even have the new orleans scenery that saves (to my mind) bad movies.

this whole thing with the hollywood foreign press and the academy saying that these movies (and performances) are worthy of standing side by side with meryl and 'slumdog millionaire' and all of these great movies and actors is just a farce. i have let myself believe, until now, that there was SOME rhyme or reason to their selections. now i see more than ever that it's the popularity contest that everyone has always told me it was. i see the light and because of this (because you said that angelina was even almost as good as meryl) i must say to you, hollywood foreign press and academy, you are dead to me.

ps. this totally doesn't mean that i won't still be watching to make sure that you commit no further atrocities.

Musings on love and leaving...

how can one be certain of love? love that is received, not given. it is not a question of what is in one's own heart and mind, that is for another day. it is a question of how one knows the hearts and minds of those around them. the love that you are given can seem like a fleeting thing-- when you question if their words are real, wonder why the phone rings with no answer, when you feel loneliness creeping up behind you...
it can all be abandoned and a new start can be made. but then how, if you love, can you not care if that love is returned? for what is love without its reciprocation? it is a hollow feeling, a state of unrequitedness that makes melancholy take up residence in your heart and soul.
i sit and wonder if they or she or he still love me, if they will love me when i am far away, if they will love me in 20 years. will we still be friends then? will we still be lovers? will all of those who i hold dear turn from me? will they be lost to me and i to them?
i dread the day when i know that all is lost. i feel it coming on, i feel it rushing towards me like the water from a levee breach. will i drown in the love that i still hold but that is no longer returned? will the heart of my heart break when i look around to see no one around?
my soul cries out, "of course it will! you can feel it coming, you know it will, it is the reason that these questions come to mind. you ask because you know the reality that the future holds. it is the fear of this reality that creates these questions. you think that if you ask that it will not happen. you cannot stop the future. your future cannot be avoided with mere musings."
i look out into the grey snowy monet of my future and i see the little house covered in snow. only the remembrances of love past make the fire burn to keep me warm enough to stave off freezing. in my chair i close my eyes, the love lights flicker as they sputter to nothing but a smoking ember and then so do i.

Oh Tim, What Am I Going to Do WIth You? CC: johnnydepp@piratesareprofit.com, helenabonhamcarter@ilookliketheguyifuck.com

Tim (Mr. Burton?),

we have a problem. it's not that i don't want to like you (i really, really do-- you look like robert smith, after all). it's just that, well, you think you're infallible now (and let me be the first to tell you that you're not). i can't even think of the last good movie you made. 'big fish' springs to mind but i really want to believe that you've made something worthwhile since then. you know, i just looked it up and you haven't. that's really sad. your last good movie was made in 2003. what the hell is going on? firstly, you need to stop working with your baby mama and johnny depp (man crush or no man crush, let him go, man!!). i'll give you that johnny was good in 'edward scissorhands' and 'ed wood' but there's just no excuse for 'sleepy hollow', 'charlie and the chocolate factory', 'the corpse bride' and 'sweeney todd'. and why would you put helena bonham carter into these movies? you turned her from the merchant-ivory beauty turned 'fight club' hotness into a wreck of a woman who looks more like you with every passing day (although she still looks way better than you). get it into your head, you ARE NOT robert smith. put down the hairspray and back away slowly. i'll give you your batman movies (even though the second one was dubious at best) but then you went and ruined it totally with 'mars attacks'. it's almost as if you can't make two good films in a row (or that for every one you make that's good you have to make two that suck. let's not even talk about 'planet of the apes' (which not even 'the nightmare before christmas can redeem). stop using the same actors! don't make musicals! go back to what you know. we liked the dark and brooding tim burton (but not the 'sleepy hollow' type of dark-- that just sucked). maybe even try heading away from that and make more stuff like 'big fish'. it was so good and such a departure from what you usually do. i think that your 'beetlejuice' days are behind you. find a new niche. really. we're sick of it and you're just ruining your reputation. i don't even want to know what you're going to do with 'alice in wonderland' (and as meeg said, 'i'll give you 1 guess as to what two actors are in it'). you make serious films, you're not simon pegg. stop casting the same wonky actors so that they can reprise their rubbishy roles over and over again. please, i once liked you and i think i could again. just turn a corner, see the light, use some different actors... something!! we want the old tim back! the one who entertained us, not the one who makes us groan when we hear he has a new movie coming out. think on it for a while and get back to me. it's not too late for you!! save yourself.



now johnny- you're fab. really, love your work. you've made some great stuff with tim but it's time to break away. he's killing you. 'sweeny todd' was terrible. you can do better than that and you know it. i don't know what's happened to you but you need to shape up. i know that you're best mates or whatever and it must be a blast working with him but if you want to retain a shred of your artistic integrity you MUST break away. go find an indie film by an unknown director and shine in the way we know you can.

helena- ugh, what can i even say to you. 'a room with a view', 'fight club', so many films that you were so wonderful in and then you shack up with tim and now you let him put you in any old thing. it's just not right. you're amazing. look in the mirror. i know you look like him but try and see the old helena. just because he's your baby daddy doesn't mean you have to be in his shitty films. shape up, woman! your career is headed in the same direction johnny's is... nowhere. you'll be lost in the quagmire that is tim burton and you'll never escape. go do a period piece. go do something edgy and cool like 'fight club'. hell, go do anything with a different co-star and director and i promise that you will find yourself again. if not for your sake then do it for ours. we hate to see this happen to you.
so please, all of you, go your own ways. find new and DIFFERENT projects. find different styles. you've hit the wall. it's time to move on and apart. i beg of you.

all my love,
nic

Open Letter to Brad Pitt...

Mr. Pitt (or should i call you Brad?),

there are a few things that i feel we need to talk about. i was reflecting this morning on things i have said concerning you in past posts (and conversations, etc) and i think that i might have been being a bit unfair. that's right, i admitted it. i can't say that i am one of your biggest fans, not by any stretch of the imagination. sure, you're a handsome fellow but i can't even say that i think you're swoon-worthy (hopefully, this isn't something you take offense to- you have plenty of women swooning over you, you certainly don't need to count me among them. i just go for a different type, that's all- see my post on the scots). anyway, i digress. point of fact- you aren't an idiot and i really don't think that i can see you being the mailable type. i made a case that you were wooed into your current relationship through coercion. i don't believe that to be true anymore. i think that you are being truthful when you say that you fell in love.

i have to admit that i'm not a big fan of the jumping ship on your wife thing but i can't say that i don't understand that if you realize that you're not in love with said wife that it's not best for both of you to move on. you must understand that it seems as if your ex is doing a bit of flailing about. it seems as if she's still in love with you and that provoked a feeling of pity in me. one so profound, in fact, that i held you (or more to the point, your current partner) responsible for the pain and suffering of your cuckolded ex-wife.

now, i don't know if that article in which angelina admitted to actually having an affair with you while you were married is true or not. if it is, that's something that i think we both know is wrong. i think that you've been not just a little selfish in the way you handled things vis a vis jen. that whole spread you did in W magazine with angie and your pretend family (not the recent one, the one you did right at the very second of your divorce) was really lacking in tact. i'm sure it was fun and maybe you just weren't thinking but i can't see you as the type of person who would be malicious enough to hurt someone on purpose-- you kind of did though, jen even admitted that that really hurt her. that's not cool. you could have waited to release those for her sake. ultimately though, your relationships with jen and angie (whatever they may be or have been and however i may feel about the two women irrespective of you) are your business. who's to say that jen's not actually just horrid and that she totally deserved the W pic spread (although i don't actually believe that)?

ok i'm wandering all over the place now and i'm sure you're wondering what point i'm trying to make. here we go-- even though i have mixed feelings about your main squeeze, maybe she is the love of your life and it doesn't really matter if i like her. if i want to not like her that should be independent of my feelings for you. my feelings for you are on the lukewarm to positive side (much more leaning toward positive because of

'make it right' and your love for my hometown, naturally [SIDEBAR- everyone who hasn't checked out what brad's been up to down here really, really needs to because it's one of the best things we have happening here. it's still about recovery, it's still active and he's not going away like so many others have. scope it, it's actually really awesome-- http://www.makeitrightnola.org/ ]).


i have to say that i actually DO want to see, 'the curious case of benjamin button'. and not because i think it's going to be so bad that i just have to witness it myself but because i think it might actually be good. and, you've always known that i liked, 'fight club'. there are a few films scattered throughout your career that i appreciate and think are really quite good (i think the ocean's movies are totally self-indulgent but that's a bone i have to pick more with your friend george than with you). there are some that i think are pretty crappy (we both know i'm talking about 'the mexican' again. what were you thinking?). anyway, point is that i'm sorry that i went off saying that you were manipulated. i don't think that you're the type of guy who would be. i'm not saying that i think you behaved in the nicest possible way but i'm still going to accept that if you say you're happy and in love then you are and we'll leave it at that. i like mia farrow but i didn't freak on woody when all of that went down. why should i freak on you (not that i'm saying you're a woody-- let's not get ahead of ourselves) for doing something that was actually a lot less... let's say creepy?



so, let's bury the hatchet. i won't say that your woman conned you or anything like that anymore and just let you have your happy little home life. don't think that this means that i'm going to be all lovey with her though. i still think that there's something super weird about her but again, the heart wants what it wants and i'll leave you alone on that one from now on.
well, i'm glad that that's over anyway. now we can just go have a drink and a smoke and talk about wtf is up with jen and john. oh, too soon? right. sorry.

much love to you and your new crazy mustache,
nic

How do you solve a problem like Mugabe? (and why won't anyone listen to me when i say that we need to pay attention to what's happening in zimbabwe?)

for years now people have been drawing attention to all of the horrible atrocities that go on in foreign lands (and here at home, for that matter). there are always outcries that we should be doing something about the sudan and north korea and iraq (i'm thinking back to before we bungled that one). this whole time i have been shouting (into an empty void, it would seem to me) that something needs to be done about Zimbabwe. i know that some of you know all about it and that some of you don't. part of the trouble is that the international media is barred from entering the country or reporting from within it so the extent of the atrocities and poverty is not quite known but stories do leak out and reporters sometimes (at very great peril to themselves) do sneak in.

here's the situation--

zimbabwe is a landlocked african nation. it's bordered on the south by south africa, just to give you an idea of its general location.

zimbabwe is currently ruled by the tyrant dictator- President Robert Mugabe. he is the one that expelled all foreign journalists. he has been accused repeatedly of gross human rights violations by organizations such as amnesty international. he has been known to harass and intimidate anyone that opposes him. there is a general fear amongst the people of zimbabwe when it comes to speaking out against him because so many of those who do disappear- never to be seen or heard from again. an election was held in march of 2008 in which mugabe ran against the leader of the opposition (whose name i don't know). the opposition leader clearly won but mugabe refused to step down as president and decided that he was going to disregard election results. it was at this point that the UN said that they would no longer recognize the government of zimbabwe as it was no longer a representation of the will of the people. mugabe couldn't care less.

he has created a situation within zimbabwe that (mark my words) will lead to an implosion of epic proportions. the people are starving and frightened to speak out against him. he kills people at random and is known for his amin-esque paranoia. he printed so many zimbabwean dollars and distributed them that he created hyperinflation. the zimbabwean dollar is now literally worthless. the people of zimbabwe (when the can get their hands on it) use US dollars as currency.

the people are so hungry and lack food to such a degree that a relatively new thing is happening. people are going out and finding strips of dirt by roadsides and in abandoned fields and planting seeds and attempting to grow and harvest what they can.

i could go on forever about what we think we know about mugabe and the horrible things he is doing. instead, i am going to go through a number of bullet points so that you can make your mind up about how far this situation has gone and how long it's going to be before the country implodes completely.

- mugabe has expelled all foreign journalists. in doing so he has taken control of all media within zimbabwe.

- mugabe is an undeniable racist. he appropriated all of the land owned by minority white farmers and kept it in the name of the government. there was an amendment brought up for a vote in the parliament calling for the reappropriation of white owned land. when it failed to win the vote mugabe's men began invading white-owned farms. those who did not leave voluntarily were often tortured and sometimes killed. one was forced to drink diesel fuel as a form of torture. in April 2000 parliament pushed through an amendment, taken word for word from the draft constitution that was rejected by voters, allowing the seizure of white-owned farmlands without due reimbursement or payment. when his actions against whites in zimbabwe were compared to those of hitler (which i think is a bit extreme but what's done is done) his response as to his actions was as follows: "This Hitler had only one objective: justice for his people, sovereignty for his people, recognition of the independence of his people and their rights over their resources...If that is Hitler, then let me be a Hitler tenfold.". remember that this is coming from the man who refused to recognize the election results when his people voted him out, the man who takes farms and land away from his people (both white and black) at random and holds them in his own name and refuses to allow his people to travel outside of zimbabwe. this does not sound like 'justice, sovereignty, independence and rights over resources' to me.

-mugabe has waged a violent campaign against homosexuality. homosexual acts are actually illegal in zimbabwe and his policy is to track and prosecute anyone suspected of being homosexual.

-mugabe over-printed the zimbabwean dollar creating hyperinflation and making it useless. his people now rely on US dollars to survive. if they cannot get US dollars then they are forced to live whatever kind of agrarian life they can. if they don't own land they farm the roadside. they are starving to death and he has refused aid from any other country or any international organization.

-his country is in economic free fall and yet he refuses aid of any sort.

-opposition leaders or people who speak out against him regularly disappear and are never heard from again. the fear of mugabe amongst his own people is so strong that they will not even mention his name when asked about what things are like in zimbabwe today.

i could go on but i think that that's enough to digest for the time being. more importantly, for me to truly tell you about all of the horrible things happening in zimbabwe i would have to write a blog post that would go on for pages. i would like all of you to go out and read and educate yourselves more fully about what's happening there. the more people who know and care the more our governments will be forced to listen when we stand up and say that something needs to be done about mugabe. in iraq we were met with opposition and a war that has gone on for more years than i care to think about. why are we not trying to stop mugabe in the way we did saddam? we would not be met with opposition but with thanks and cheers.

The Home Wrecker Chronicles

ahhh, i love the good celeb gossip story but none tops the list like a good tale of cheating husbands (because, let's face it, it's usually the blokes who are doing the leaving), scorned women (who are usually preggers) and younger, carnivorous home wrecking starlets.

there are so many of these stories to address and discuss but i think for sanity's sake we'll stick to just 4.

firstly, i would like to discuss the whole bridget moynahan/tom brady/gisele bundchen thing. i wanted to blog about this one first for a couple of reasons. 1) it's a little unclear as to whether moynahan and brady broke up while she was preggers but before he hooked up with bundchen (although general consensus seems to be that bundchen totally knew that he was with his baby-mama and went after him anyway) 2) this is the one that i really care the least about. i will give bundchen that she's uber-hot, so hot that i would sleep with her (but so is moynahan, for that matter) but really, she's just a model-- and not even a very interesting one at that. she was with boooooring leo dicaprio for ages and ages (who i only care a tiny bit about because of his efforts with all things eco-friendly. other than that, he's a crappy actor who thinks he's the bomb. blech). moynahan was in something that i think i liked once upon a time but i can't even remember what it was (way to make an impression, bridget). and brady's a football player (a hot one, granted, but if you don't play for the saints, aren't a manning or aren't getting it on with kim kardasssssian then i really don't care).

so the story is as follows (from what we know)-- bridget and tom were together for a good while (i think it was around 2 years, could be wrong about that), never married but then she was suddenly with child. she ran around exclaiming that she was so excited about the baby, blah blah but he remained pretty mum on the whole thing (obviously not so pleased about the situation). next thing we know, bridget is heavily preggers and on her own and gisele and tom are out and about everywhere.

the players:

bridget- she seems to be the coolest one in all of this. there was no complaining on her part. she didn't make a big show of being dumped and just went on her merry way saying, 'if i have to be a single mom, so be it'. final grade- most certainly an a+ for her behavior here.

tom- wanker. any man who leaves his preggers wife or gf is just a wanker. no way around it. since we're not sure that this is what happened if there's anyone who can jump in in his defense, go right ahead. otherwise, he's a miserable louse who left his girlfriend of 2 years when she was getting ready to drop his kid for a younger (and arguably hotter) woman. ON THE UP SIDE- it appears that since the baby has been born he's been a good dad. he gets points for this and for not being a total and complete douche. he's still a wanker though. final grade- D+ (would have failed, but the good dad bit lets him scrape by with a passing grade).

gisele- by all accounts she went to his locker room while he was still with bridget and totally seduced him. i've heard that she locked her beady little eyes on him after her bust-up with leo and said, 'he will be mine'. she didn't care that he was with his baby-mama and just went for it full-throttle. it's not even as if they met on some photo shoot and fell in love (stay tuned for that scenario). she PLANNED to go after him. nothing worse than the woman who wrecks a home on purpose. final grade-F. no questions asked.

NEXT on the list we have the weird (and brief) saga of robert rodriguez and rose mcgowan. we all know him as the director of 'sin city' and other such films and we know her because, well, we saw her ass in that dress when she was bonking marilyn manson (shudder).

the story is as follows-- she was single and starring in that non-entity of a film, 'grindhouse' and he was with his wife of 16 years (who was also his co-producer and mother of his 5 kids). rose and robert 'fell in love' on the set and began having an affair. it came out, mrs. rodriguez (sorry, don't know her name) was ripped apart by the news and filed for divorce. by all accounts, rose and robert continued their affair and might possibly still be out there somewhere fornicating (and by the laws of- you're not just sleeping with that person but with every person they've slept with- that means he's actually doing it with marilyn manson, which just adds another level of creepiness to the whole thing).

the players:

mrs. rodriguez- ugh, poor woman. she stands by this man for 16 years. gives him 5 kids, puts her time and money into his films (for which she gets about zero credit) and is blindsided by this whole thing. reports say that she was (and is) totally devastated. she hasn't come out bad-mouthing him or anything but is just trying to recover and protect her kids from creepy rose and their adulterous father. final grade- A+ for not going to the press and for divorcing that lying bastard straight away so that she could focus on the kids that he callously tossed aside.

robert- always discussed how much his wife meant to him, that he couldn't have done any of his films without her, lived this quiet little life with his 5 billion kids and said that he loved it. clearly it was all crap. as soon as rose (who so isn't that hot anyway) rolls up he jumps into bed with her without a second thought for his loyal and seemingly wonderfully supportive wife. he hasn't said much to the press other than that he 'fell in love' with rose and that he couldn't help it. whatever robert, maybe woody can get away with that 'the heart wants what it wants' shit but you're soooo not the artist he is so pack it in. you're a fuck-wad. final grade- F for abandoning his wife and kids for a skank (would still be an F if she wasn't a skank. just needed to be mentioned that she is).

rose- i don't know what to do about this one. it's not as if she targeted him or anything but she knew that he had a big happy family and went and jumped into his bed anyway. i would say that it's more his fault for leaving his family but she's crap for getting involved with a married man. final grade- D. she only passes because i think that perhaps she did just, 'fall in love' with him on set so she gets a passing grade. it's a low pass though because she should have resisted her urges and stayed away from a man who was taken, had a family, etc, etc.

NEXT we have the mary louise-parker/billy crudup/claire danes debacle. we all know her from 'weeds' (although i've never actually seen it) and the thousand other fabulous things she's done ('fried green tomatoes', 'saved', etc. needless to say, i love her and think she's sooo beautiful). he's that crappy actor who was the sore thumb son in 'big fish' and was one of the bad-good guys in that brad pitt (ohh, we're coming to him) film, 'sleepers'. whatever, he bites (and is not attractive AT ALL). claire we all loved from 'my so called life' but then started dropping like a lead balloon with such films as 'romeo and juliet' (i'm sorry to all of you who liked it but it was crap. really. crap. go watch the REAL version with olivia hussy and then come back and tell me that you thought claire and leo were good), that remake of 'the mod squad' (groan) and don't even get me started on 'stardust' (which, apparently-- meeg is my source here-- they wanted gwyneth for but she said no and so they drastically lowered their standards and went to claire).

the story is as follows: billy and mary had been together for something like 7 years. she was 8 months preggers with his kid. billy and claire were making some craptacular movie together (i don't even know the name of it) and 'fell in love' (yeah, that gem again-- wait for it, it's not the last time you'll read it). so, off go billy and claire (very un-apologetically) to leave mary to have the kid on her own.

the players:

mary- she's awesome. not only did she not make a bid deal about it in the press (although everyone was outraged on her behalf) but she actually named the kid after billy even though he had ditched her out of the blue. she was there on red carpets, promoting her stuff very soon after the news broke looking huge and glowing. she didn't let them see her cry. you go, mary. she still hasn't talked smack about them and is just going on with her life. final grade- A+ gotta love her!!

billy- total twat. unattractive, bad actor who leaves his gf of 7 years (who also happens to be 8-- yes EIGHT months preggers) for some young crappy actress. he made no apologies and just said, 'leave us alone, we love each other and it's right for us'. bullshit. he could at least have owned up to the fact that it was horrid timing on his part and that he was sorry that it happened the way it did but he didn't. he just dumped her and ran. final grade- F. LOSER.

claire- so not as attractive as mary (but like 20 years younger-- ok, that's a bit of an exaggeration) and can't even touch her as far as talent. she knew that billy was involved and yet threw herself in there anyway (not to mention the fact that she was, at the time, shacked up with singer, ben lee-- making her doubly slaggy). she was also unsympathetic to mary's plight and snubbed her nose at anybody who mentioned the fact that she ran off with mary's man. she's claire and thinks that she can be with anyone she wants, screw whomever gets hurt as that's not her problem. to top it off, after being with billy for 3 years it turns out that she cheated on him very recently with her new non-entity of a co-star and so the claire/billy thing if off. final grade- F. for being so uncaring about mary, for being a bad actor, for then cheating on billy and making the whole home wrecking thing a pointless endeavor.

LASTLY we have the mother of all home wrecking scenarios. the one you've all been waiting for...
jenn aniston/brad pitt/angelina jolie

ok, so we know this story backwards, frontwards, sideways and upside-down. we have 'the golden couple', brad and jenn. total a-listers. her hit tv show (plus her fabulous performance in 'the good girl' which everyone should see), his film career (with it's 'fight club' highs and 'the mexican' lows) and their sheer combined blond beauty made for the oh-so-right couple. there was lots of chatter before the meltdown about how he wanted kids (god, he wouldn't shut the fuck up about it) and she kept kind of mum about the whole thing (in my opinion she wanted to try to crack the film industry before getting preggers) but they still seemed like everything was a-ok. then came 'mr. and mrs. smith' and the divorce heard 'round the world. at first, brad and pukey claimed that they fell in love during the filming but that nothing happened until he was divorced. then recently vag-face came out and said that she DID pluck him during filming and that it was only now that she felt that it was ok to say that (and i think she did it because she's a jealous slag and if ANYBODY is getting more attention than she is she freaks out-- hello blood in a vial around your neck-- and she just wanted jenn to read that so that she would know that she'd really been cuckolded). now jenn is off searching aimlessly (and you can't get more aimless than john mayer) for that love lost while brad and angie are off with their brady bunch brokering a deal with benetton for a series of ads (no, not really).

the story is as follows: well, we just went through the story really but i think there's a little more. now, a lot of this is total speculation on my part but i think that a lot of you out there in cyber-land will agree that this is probably how it came down. angie and brad go to shoot this film. he's THE actor to land and she knows it. he wants kids and she has one (and wants more). she's hot in that, 'i look like my dad, my face looks like a vagina, i look waaaay older than 33, my body is weirdly proportioned and seriously are my lips about to explode off of my face?' sort of way. more importantly, she has an oscar for her lackluster performance in the self-indulgent film, 'girl, interrupted' (which we all know was crap), she comes from an a-list (although falling apart) hollywood family and she HAD THE ADORABLE KID. i think that herein lies the key to the whole thing. jenn's off filming and not getting preggers and here comes this woman who some people (inexplicably) think is hot and who is (OBVIOUSLY) a very manipulative woman who gets what she wants when she wants by any means necessary, she flirts, makes sure he sees her scantily clad, introduces the kid to him ("play with him, oh it's ok maddox, you can call him daddy") and BAM you have an instant implosion of the anniston-pitt home. then angie says, 'lets have tons more'-- again by any means necessary (and then comes the press announcement, 'we couldn't help it, we just fell in love'). this story particularly pisses me off because brad and angie are made out to be saints here. yeah, i'd have a dozen adopted kids if i could afford nannies for each one. i'd also be running around trying to help out in the sudan and cambodia and everywhere else if a) i could afford it and b) anybody would listen to me. then again, brad really has done a FANTASTIC thing with his, 'make it right' program here in new orleans (which angie has steered totally clear of so she gets none of her usual media-hogging spotlight credit for). i'm so sick of seeing angie with a head scarf on and the SAME look on her face in every war torn country she can get herself into (yeah, we get it. you want us to think you care.). un goodwill ambassador, my ass. what has she ACTUALLY done other than adopt kids (not to mention that one of them was like 4 when she adopted him and then she changed his name. that's just wrong)? NOTHING. brad's at least put his time, money and effort into 'make it right'. it also saddens me that jenn's still running around like a lost puppy. i'm so tired of seeing her with all of these wankers and yet i can't help but feel bad for her. i'm sure she's still so in love that it aches. really though, i don't know what to tell her. try to mend your broken heart by staying away from guys like john mayer and going for guys who will treat you well, maybe? or how about staying single until you're just over it? fuck, i don't know but something has to give with that poor woman.

the players-

jenn- can't help but feel bad for her. you KNOW that she's still in love with brad. she has to be. just look at her wonked out dating record since they broke up. she doesn't know where to go. plus, she has to be confronted on a daily basis with pics of the new super couple and their ever-expanding brood (not to mention the sheer horror of seeing things like those pics that brad took of angie and the kids for W magazine (i think it was)). i can't imagine the pain that must bring. you know she's just shouting that that was meant to be her life. she has stayed mum about it and hasn't really talked about it in anything but a joking way (i think she made some joke when an interviewer asked her if she ever talked to angie about how they all have holiday meals together or something). way to try to seem lighthearted about it and for not totally trashing angie every chance you get (cus i would have ripped slaggy's weave right off of her puffy, 45 year old looking head). final grade- B. i'm only giving her this grade because even though i sympathise with her plight and i KNOW she's desperate to fill the brad-sized hole in her heart there's just no excuse for john mayer. just none.

brad- ugh, this is tricky. somehow there's part of me that feels he's less to blame than angie is. maybe it's because i detest her so much, i'm not sure. maybe it's because i feel as if he was totally manipulated and brain-washed. i am very familiar with the, 'i really want kids' emotion and i can see being intoxicated by the cuteness that is maddox (and the promise of more cuteness to come). BUT when you really break it down he DID cheat on his wife. he DID leave her for another woman. maybe he really wasn't getting what he wanted (kids) but that's really no excuse for cheating (and especially not with uuughhh HER). final grade- C-. he cheated, that's bad. he's published pictures that he had to know jenn would see of his new little happy family that he took himself, that's cruel. BUT he really did want a family and that's what he has now. plus, i really think that he gets an upgrade because a) he's a really good dad (or so it seems) b) i have to love him for 'make it right' and c) i think he was totally manipulated by vag-face.

angie- ohhh, angie. how could you? you knew he was married. you waved your bj lips and big breasts in his face and then introduced him to the kid (knowing full well that that would be the clincher). you slept with him when you KNEW he was married, you are constantly making veiled remarks that are clearly aimed at her in the press, you rub your life with him in her face (you just lack decorum on every level possible- we saw it with the thing with billy-bob and then your dad and now jenn. get a grip on yourself) and you seem to be hyper-sensitive about him having ANY sort of contact with her at all- as if he's going to see the light and go running back to him (afraid that she'll do to you what you did to her? are you that insecure? really? oh, i believe it. i believe it alllll the way). i think you manipulated the whole situation and you looooove the spotlight and now you have it shining on you more brightly than you could have ever imagined. well played. final grade- F. the ultimate homewrecker. ironically, thinking about her being the ultimate homewrecker makes me think about the fact that now brad has the home that he always wanted-- one that is full of adorable kids, philanthropy, globe-trotting and would-be wife.

maybe she manipulated him into the life he always wanted but never had and now he's happy. damn it all, maybe (just maybe) it's better for him that angie came into his life. still... it's not fair that jenn has to wander the earth for all eternity to pay for being in love with him. uughh, quandry!!

you decide and let me know.

The Scottish Breeding Program(me)

ok, so i've only just noticed this really bizarre thing. right now, there are 3 scottish actors (and sean connery totally doesn't count because a) where the hell is he? and b) he's so scottish that he's mildly off-putting even to scottish people) that are big, recognizable hollywood players. that's not the bizarre thing, though... wait for it...

so first we have my fave (as you all know) of the three...

james mcavoy. i heart james mcavoy. the eyes, the smile, the accent, the film choices. i really liked 'last king of scotland' and 'atonement'. there are tons of others that he did before that-- not to mention the first place i saw him (and the point at which i called that he was going to be a huge star-- a label which, if i happen to tag you with means that you WILL become an a-lister-- ask meeg about the harry potter/twilight guy and how i called that one, too) the television show 'shameless'. we all know what he looks like but we're coming to that...

then there's gerard butler. hot, yes. was in that weird '300' movie that i have yet to see because i really have no interest in watching semi-animated men fight for 2 hours, and 'p.s. i love you' which i did see and, well... there's just no excuse for. his mockery of an irish accent when he has a lovely mcavoy-esque glaswegian thing going on in real life (and just don't get me started on who on earth would want to be with the horse of a woman, can't fathom why she keeps winning oscars, annoying as hell hillary swank) and the whole premise make the thing unwatchable. i can't even think of what else he's been in but he's been linked with every starlet from travis barker's ho of an ex- what's her face blond woman- to poor cuckolded jenny aniston. we all know what he looks like, too. dubious film and sexual partner choices aside- he's pretty damn hot, too...

lastly we have the enigmatic ewan mcgregor. who doesn't love dear ewan. although where the hell has he been? is he still in hiding after george lucas raped him in the star wars prequels? or maybe it's just shame because now a couple of people have actually seen 'the island' and he never thought it would come to that. still, we forgive him those sins for the great gifts that he's given us; things like, 'trainspotting', 'big fish' (which i understand there's some debate about but i liked it), 'little voice', 'velvet goldmine', 'the pillow book'... i could go on (and i do understand that there are some sprinklings of crap in there as well but none are as bad as 'star wars' so if we can forgive that then we can forgive 'molin rouge'-- or can we?). i think that we can all agree that when he's on, he's on. i think that we can also agree that he is just undeniably hot. he's shorter and thinner than gerard butler (much more a mcavoy physique) but soooo sexy (totally different accent though as he's from perth and our other two boys are glaswegian). i think that we have all come to the opinion that he, like the other two aforementioned gentlemen, is hot...

now, here's where the freak show bizarreness enters.

why the hell do all three of them look so similar? and why is it that i didn't notice this until i saw little clips of bulter looking like mcavoy then mcavoy looking like mcgregor? they're like superman and clark kent. you never see them together so you never notice how much they look alike. well, watch out faithful readers because i'm about to pull the glasses off this mo-fo!!

ok, so i will grant you that there are minor differences here and there BUT their eyes are all big and the same shade of blue (although that pic of mcavoy does his eyes NO justice- but if you've seen 'last king of scotland' you know what i'm talking about). their ears are the same, their faces are similarly shaped and they all have the same chin (although, yes, ewan has the weird chin-dimple thing but the shape of the chin is the same!). i know that james and ewan are both short at 5'7'' ish and both thin and gerard is some buff giant of a man, but look at the shapes of their faces. even with the height difference between the arguable better two and the buff one their faces are still the same shape. i ask you... WHAT the HELL is going on in scotland? are they breeding these guys to all look the same? they give them tiny differences (james and ewan have gingery beards but gerard's is dark, james and ewan are short and gerard is taller, ewan has the weird chin-dimple and the others don't) but when it comes down to it they all look as if they could be related. seriously, they could be brothers, could they not?!?!? i think that james and ewan look so alike that it's a little scary. gerard is maybe the cousin to the two short brothers but he's still in the family. don't deny it. i know you see it's there!!

my ultimate question is... if they're breeding hot scottish men, why are they not sending more out into the world? i found one for myself but there are other women (and men) out there in need. two of these three are married (and keep your hands off of mine) and gerard is just sort of whoring about so there need to be more of these guys released into the general population. send them here to the states. screw the recession, we will find work for them, even if it's just making them stand in front of a camera and badly recite lines (i'm looking at you here, gerard).

have a very scottish holiday season everyone!

The Gift of Time

so last night gavin, kyle and i went to see a screening of my friend franis' film, 'The Gift Of Time'. it was really an amazing film. i don't want to give too much away about it but we were all very moved by the story and its content and i think that everyone could really benefit from seeing it. it's a documentary style film that has elements that i think apply to every family and relationship. it's very much about the way that we act towards our families, the things that we do to one another, how we hurt each other and the fact that even under the worst conditions there is still hope for redemption, forgiveness and the renewal of love.

beyond that, it's a movie that i would recommend simply based on the fact that i enjoyed it so much.

everyone should check out the trailer for the film--

http://www.giftoftimemovie.com/

Just a bit of an update...

So, due to a series of family tragedies my boss has decided to close shop. He said that he would pay me the check that he owes me on the 1st of december but i somehow doubt that i'll be getting that (although i really do need it for rent, bills, savings, etc). so here i am... unemployed. we still have some saving to do to be able to make it to scotland in april, i obviously still have bills to pay until then and the market is bare. i'm doing my best to find something but i fear that i will end up at yet another coffee shop making just enough to make ends meet (i hope).
my father and my father in law have said that they won't let it come down to us not having the money to move, so that's one good thing.
really there's no other news. i have tons of packing to do, lots of furniture and books, etc to give away (or sell) and only a few months to do it in.
i can't wait to move and to have all of this stress behind me (and i hope to find a job soon- i know it won't be until after the thanksgiving holidays but i really need something to materialize).
i hope that all of you who read this (and know me personally) are planning on coming out and visiting once we're out there and settled. you know i love you all and would love to have you come visit any time you like.
again, just keeping you posted as to what's up with me.

we'll be doing lots of fun nola stuff in the time that we have left here so if any of you find yourselves in new orleans give us a call and we'll go have an adventure!!

hope you're all well.

happy thanksgiving

i'm thankful for the love of my family and friends.
i'm thankful that i have a place to live and food on my table.
i'm thankful that i have a good life and a chance at an even better one.
i'm thankful that me, my friends and family are all safe, happy (for the most part), and healthy.
i'm thankful for all of you.

much love to you all.