The Home Wrecker Chronicles

ahhh, i love the good celeb gossip story but none tops the list like a good tale of cheating husbands (because, let's face it, it's usually the blokes who are doing the leaving), scorned women (who are usually preggers) and younger, carnivorous home wrecking starlets.

there are so many of these stories to address and discuss but i think for sanity's sake we'll stick to just 4.

firstly, i would like to discuss the whole bridget moynahan/tom brady/gisele bundchen thing. i wanted to blog about this one first for a couple of reasons. 1) it's a little unclear as to whether moynahan and brady broke up while she was preggers but before he hooked up with bundchen (although general consensus seems to be that bundchen totally knew that he was with his baby-mama and went after him anyway) 2) this is the one that i really care the least about. i will give bundchen that she's uber-hot, so hot that i would sleep with her (but so is moynahan, for that matter) but really, she's just a model-- and not even a very interesting one at that. she was with boooooring leo dicaprio for ages and ages (who i only care a tiny bit about because of his efforts with all things eco-friendly. other than that, he's a crappy actor who thinks he's the bomb. blech). moynahan was in something that i think i liked once upon a time but i can't even remember what it was (way to make an impression, bridget). and brady's a football player (a hot one, granted, but if you don't play for the saints, aren't a manning or aren't getting it on with kim kardasssssian then i really don't care).

so the story is as follows (from what we know)-- bridget and tom were together for a good while (i think it was around 2 years, could be wrong about that), never married but then she was suddenly with child. she ran around exclaiming that she was so excited about the baby, blah blah but he remained pretty mum on the whole thing (obviously not so pleased about the situation). next thing we know, bridget is heavily preggers and on her own and gisele and tom are out and about everywhere.

the players:

bridget- she seems to be the coolest one in all of this. there was no complaining on her part. she didn't make a big show of being dumped and just went on her merry way saying, 'if i have to be a single mom, so be it'. final grade- most certainly an a+ for her behavior here.

tom- wanker. any man who leaves his preggers wife or gf is just a wanker. no way around it. since we're not sure that this is what happened if there's anyone who can jump in in his defense, go right ahead. otherwise, he's a miserable louse who left his girlfriend of 2 years when she was getting ready to drop his kid for a younger (and arguably hotter) woman. ON THE UP SIDE- it appears that since the baby has been born he's been a good dad. he gets points for this and for not being a total and complete douche. he's still a wanker though. final grade- D+ (would have failed, but the good dad bit lets him scrape by with a passing grade).

gisele- by all accounts she went to his locker room while he was still with bridget and totally seduced him. i've heard that she locked her beady little eyes on him after her bust-up with leo and said, 'he will be mine'. she didn't care that he was with his baby-mama and just went for it full-throttle. it's not even as if they met on some photo shoot and fell in love (stay tuned for that scenario). she PLANNED to go after him. nothing worse than the woman who wrecks a home on purpose. final grade-F. no questions asked.

NEXT on the list we have the weird (and brief) saga of robert rodriguez and rose mcgowan. we all know him as the director of 'sin city' and other such films and we know her because, well, we saw her ass in that dress when she was bonking marilyn manson (shudder).

the story is as follows-- she was single and starring in that non-entity of a film, 'grindhouse' and he was with his wife of 16 years (who was also his co-producer and mother of his 5 kids). rose and robert 'fell in love' on the set and began having an affair. it came out, mrs. rodriguez (sorry, don't know her name) was ripped apart by the news and filed for divorce. by all accounts, rose and robert continued their affair and might possibly still be out there somewhere fornicating (and by the laws of- you're not just sleeping with that person but with every person they've slept with- that means he's actually doing it with marilyn manson, which just adds another level of creepiness to the whole thing).

the players:

mrs. rodriguez- ugh, poor woman. she stands by this man for 16 years. gives him 5 kids, puts her time and money into his films (for which she gets about zero credit) and is blindsided by this whole thing. reports say that she was (and is) totally devastated. she hasn't come out bad-mouthing him or anything but is just trying to recover and protect her kids from creepy rose and their adulterous father. final grade- A+ for not going to the press and for divorcing that lying bastard straight away so that she could focus on the kids that he callously tossed aside.

robert- always discussed how much his wife meant to him, that he couldn't have done any of his films without her, lived this quiet little life with his 5 billion kids and said that he loved it. clearly it was all crap. as soon as rose (who so isn't that hot anyway) rolls up he jumps into bed with her without a second thought for his loyal and seemingly wonderfully supportive wife. he hasn't said much to the press other than that he 'fell in love' with rose and that he couldn't help it. whatever robert, maybe woody can get away with that 'the heart wants what it wants' shit but you're soooo not the artist he is so pack it in. you're a fuck-wad. final grade- F for abandoning his wife and kids for a skank (would still be an F if she wasn't a skank. just needed to be mentioned that she is).

rose- i don't know what to do about this one. it's not as if she targeted him or anything but she knew that he had a big happy family and went and jumped into his bed anyway. i would say that it's more his fault for leaving his family but she's crap for getting involved with a married man. final grade- D. she only passes because i think that perhaps she did just, 'fall in love' with him on set so she gets a passing grade. it's a low pass though because she should have resisted her urges and stayed away from a man who was taken, had a family, etc, etc.

NEXT we have the mary louise-parker/billy crudup/claire danes debacle. we all know her from 'weeds' (although i've never actually seen it) and the thousand other fabulous things she's done ('fried green tomatoes', 'saved', etc. needless to say, i love her and think she's sooo beautiful). he's that crappy actor who was the sore thumb son in 'big fish' and was one of the bad-good guys in that brad pitt (ohh, we're coming to him) film, 'sleepers'. whatever, he bites (and is not attractive AT ALL). claire we all loved from 'my so called life' but then started dropping like a lead balloon with such films as 'romeo and juliet' (i'm sorry to all of you who liked it but it was crap. really. crap. go watch the REAL version with olivia hussy and then come back and tell me that you thought claire and leo were good), that remake of 'the mod squad' (groan) and don't even get me started on 'stardust' (which, apparently-- meeg is my source here-- they wanted gwyneth for but she said no and so they drastically lowered their standards and went to claire).

the story is as follows: billy and mary had been together for something like 7 years. she was 8 months preggers with his kid. billy and claire were making some craptacular movie together (i don't even know the name of it) and 'fell in love' (yeah, that gem again-- wait for it, it's not the last time you'll read it). so, off go billy and claire (very un-apologetically) to leave mary to have the kid on her own.

the players:

mary- she's awesome. not only did she not make a bid deal about it in the press (although everyone was outraged on her behalf) but she actually named the kid after billy even though he had ditched her out of the blue. she was there on red carpets, promoting her stuff very soon after the news broke looking huge and glowing. she didn't let them see her cry. you go, mary. she still hasn't talked smack about them and is just going on with her life. final grade- A+ gotta love her!!

billy- total twat. unattractive, bad actor who leaves his gf of 7 years (who also happens to be 8-- yes EIGHT months preggers) for some young crappy actress. he made no apologies and just said, 'leave us alone, we love each other and it's right for us'. bullshit. he could at least have owned up to the fact that it was horrid timing on his part and that he was sorry that it happened the way it did but he didn't. he just dumped her and ran. final grade- F. LOSER.

claire- so not as attractive as mary (but like 20 years younger-- ok, that's a bit of an exaggeration) and can't even touch her as far as talent. she knew that billy was involved and yet threw herself in there anyway (not to mention the fact that she was, at the time, shacked up with singer, ben lee-- making her doubly slaggy). she was also unsympathetic to mary's plight and snubbed her nose at anybody who mentioned the fact that she ran off with mary's man. she's claire and thinks that she can be with anyone she wants, screw whomever gets hurt as that's not her problem. to top it off, after being with billy for 3 years it turns out that she cheated on him very recently with her new non-entity of a co-star and so the claire/billy thing if off. final grade- F. for being so uncaring about mary, for being a bad actor, for then cheating on billy and making the whole home wrecking thing a pointless endeavor.

LASTLY we have the mother of all home wrecking scenarios. the one you've all been waiting for...
jenn aniston/brad pitt/angelina jolie

ok, so we know this story backwards, frontwards, sideways and upside-down. we have 'the golden couple', brad and jenn. total a-listers. her hit tv show (plus her fabulous performance in 'the good girl' which everyone should see), his film career (with it's 'fight club' highs and 'the mexican' lows) and their sheer combined blond beauty made for the oh-so-right couple. there was lots of chatter before the meltdown about how he wanted kids (god, he wouldn't shut the fuck up about it) and she kept kind of mum about the whole thing (in my opinion she wanted to try to crack the film industry before getting preggers) but they still seemed like everything was a-ok. then came 'mr. and mrs. smith' and the divorce heard 'round the world. at first, brad and pukey claimed that they fell in love during the filming but that nothing happened until he was divorced. then recently vag-face came out and said that she DID pluck him during filming and that it was only now that she felt that it was ok to say that (and i think she did it because she's a jealous slag and if ANYBODY is getting more attention than she is she freaks out-- hello blood in a vial around your neck-- and she just wanted jenn to read that so that she would know that she'd really been cuckolded). now jenn is off searching aimlessly (and you can't get more aimless than john mayer) for that love lost while brad and angie are off with their brady bunch brokering a deal with benetton for a series of ads (no, not really).

the story is as follows: well, we just went through the story really but i think there's a little more. now, a lot of this is total speculation on my part but i think that a lot of you out there in cyber-land will agree that this is probably how it came down. angie and brad go to shoot this film. he's THE actor to land and she knows it. he wants kids and she has one (and wants more). she's hot in that, 'i look like my dad, my face looks like a vagina, i look waaaay older than 33, my body is weirdly proportioned and seriously are my lips about to explode off of my face?' sort of way. more importantly, she has an oscar for her lackluster performance in the self-indulgent film, 'girl, interrupted' (which we all know was crap), she comes from an a-list (although falling apart) hollywood family and she HAD THE ADORABLE KID. i think that herein lies the key to the whole thing. jenn's off filming and not getting preggers and here comes this woman who some people (inexplicably) think is hot and who is (OBVIOUSLY) a very manipulative woman who gets what she wants when she wants by any means necessary, she flirts, makes sure he sees her scantily clad, introduces the kid to him ("play with him, oh it's ok maddox, you can call him daddy") and BAM you have an instant implosion of the anniston-pitt home. then angie says, 'lets have tons more'-- again by any means necessary (and then comes the press announcement, 'we couldn't help it, we just fell in love'). this story particularly pisses me off because brad and angie are made out to be saints here. yeah, i'd have a dozen adopted kids if i could afford nannies for each one. i'd also be running around trying to help out in the sudan and cambodia and everywhere else if a) i could afford it and b) anybody would listen to me. then again, brad really has done a FANTASTIC thing with his, 'make it right' program here in new orleans (which angie has steered totally clear of so she gets none of her usual media-hogging spotlight credit for). i'm so sick of seeing angie with a head scarf on and the SAME look on her face in every war torn country she can get herself into (yeah, we get it. you want us to think you care.). un goodwill ambassador, my ass. what has she ACTUALLY done other than adopt kids (not to mention that one of them was like 4 when she adopted him and then she changed his name. that's just wrong)? NOTHING. brad's at least put his time, money and effort into 'make it right'. it also saddens me that jenn's still running around like a lost puppy. i'm so tired of seeing her with all of these wankers and yet i can't help but feel bad for her. i'm sure she's still so in love that it aches. really though, i don't know what to tell her. try to mend your broken heart by staying away from guys like john mayer and going for guys who will treat you well, maybe? or how about staying single until you're just over it? fuck, i don't know but something has to give with that poor woman.

the players-

jenn- can't help but feel bad for her. you KNOW that she's still in love with brad. she has to be. just look at her wonked out dating record since they broke up. she doesn't know where to go. plus, she has to be confronted on a daily basis with pics of the new super couple and their ever-expanding brood (not to mention the sheer horror of seeing things like those pics that brad took of angie and the kids for W magazine (i think it was)). i can't imagine the pain that must bring. you know she's just shouting that that was meant to be her life. she has stayed mum about it and hasn't really talked about it in anything but a joking way (i think she made some joke when an interviewer asked her if she ever talked to angie about how they all have holiday meals together or something). way to try to seem lighthearted about it and for not totally trashing angie every chance you get (cus i would have ripped slaggy's weave right off of her puffy, 45 year old looking head). final grade- B. i'm only giving her this grade because even though i sympathise with her plight and i KNOW she's desperate to fill the brad-sized hole in her heart there's just no excuse for john mayer. just none.

brad- ugh, this is tricky. somehow there's part of me that feels he's less to blame than angie is. maybe it's because i detest her so much, i'm not sure. maybe it's because i feel as if he was totally manipulated and brain-washed. i am very familiar with the, 'i really want kids' emotion and i can see being intoxicated by the cuteness that is maddox (and the promise of more cuteness to come). BUT when you really break it down he DID cheat on his wife. he DID leave her for another woman. maybe he really wasn't getting what he wanted (kids) but that's really no excuse for cheating (and especially not with uuughhh HER). final grade- C-. he cheated, that's bad. he's published pictures that he had to know jenn would see of his new little happy family that he took himself, that's cruel. BUT he really did want a family and that's what he has now. plus, i really think that he gets an upgrade because a) he's a really good dad (or so it seems) b) i have to love him for 'make it right' and c) i think he was totally manipulated by vag-face.

angie- ohhh, angie. how could you? you knew he was married. you waved your bj lips and big breasts in his face and then introduced him to the kid (knowing full well that that would be the clincher). you slept with him when you KNEW he was married, you are constantly making veiled remarks that are clearly aimed at her in the press, you rub your life with him in her face (you just lack decorum on every level possible- we saw it with the thing with billy-bob and then your dad and now jenn. get a grip on yourself) and you seem to be hyper-sensitive about him having ANY sort of contact with her at all- as if he's going to see the light and go running back to him (afraid that she'll do to you what you did to her? are you that insecure? really? oh, i believe it. i believe it alllll the way). i think you manipulated the whole situation and you looooove the spotlight and now you have it shining on you more brightly than you could have ever imagined. well played. final grade- F. the ultimate homewrecker. ironically, thinking about her being the ultimate homewrecker makes me think about the fact that now brad has the home that he always wanted-- one that is full of adorable kids, philanthropy, globe-trotting and would-be wife.

maybe she manipulated him into the life he always wanted but never had and now he's happy. damn it all, maybe (just maybe) it's better for him that angie came into his life. still... it's not fair that jenn has to wander the earth for all eternity to pay for being in love with him. uughh, quandry!!

you decide and let me know.