Open Letter to Angelina Jolie...

Angie (may i call you angie? i've heard that people do...),

ok, so here's the deal. i'm going to come clean. i know i've said some really rough things about you in past posts. i've criticized just about everything that there is to criticize (even things that are, admittedly, totally irrelevant and just mean). call me a bitter bastard, i suppose. i'd like to start things anew with you, if you'll allow that. i'm not going to go back and say that i liked 'the changeling'. i'm sorry, i just can't. but, i understand why you'd want to make the film and who wouldn't want to act with malcovich? i did really like you in 'gia', i've always maintained that. i actually liked, 'hackers', too, in a cracky kind of way. i can even appreciate what you were going for with 'a mighty heart' (although i maintain that, just as constructive criticism, in the scene when you break down, she would have been yelling in her native tongue. when we're in that state we revert to what we know best. you yelled in english. it's a minor point and i'm pretty sure that i am the only person who picked up on that because it was a well acted scene). so, whether i like your movies or not aside, your probably pretty cool and i shouldn't have a go at you because of that. i have denied you credit for things done well because of things that i thought weren't so good but that's simply a matter of personal taste and i shouldn't have criticized you personally for it.

there's another thing that i have to say that i'm sorry for. this one you can thank my friend joseph for... i have, in the past, been a 'team jen' kind of person. i can't help but feel bad for her. i've had my heart broken (haven't we all) and i sympathize with what it must be like to try to get over your ex when you can't escape images of him being happy with someone else. that being said, i've also agreed with woody and his, 'the heart wants what it wants' statement. i think that that is very true. if you note, i did comment on one particular post in which i blamed the whole breakup of that marriage on you that perhaps i was wrong and that brad is now happy where he wasn't before...essentially i had rethought and semi-retracted my statements. so, joseph opened my mind to the fact and thought that it really had nothing to do with you (the breakup, that is). you two fell in love and he made the choice to leave his wife. you didn't force him to, i'm sure he's strong willed and not a malleable piece of clay that you just took and bent to your will. i will give him far more credit than that. i do think that you can bend men to your will, but i think that that's more of a compliment than a criticism. it means that they find you sexy and interesting and alluring... these are good things.

i've also taken a jab at your un work, i know... that one was probably the worst. i said that you spread yourself too thin when it came to that and didn't come out of the areas you visited and spread the word about what you saw there. can i really judge that, though? maybe that's not your intention when you go to these places. perhaps you know that the world knows about the problems in cambodia and africa, etc and that you're there for the people themselves and to shine a brief light on those individuals. i still think that perhaps you should talk more about what you saw when you were there when you get back (although perhaps you do and the media simply chooses to focus more on speculation on the state of your relationship and your womb than what you have to say about poverty-stricken and war-torn countries. i don't know).

anyway, to sum up... i'm sorry for being so harsh on you. makes me feel very tabloidy and maybe (i'm not fessing to this, JUST saying MAYBE, i'm a little but envious of the fact that you're a year older than i am, you have success in your chosen field-- whereas i'm still struggling at best--, you got to kiss gerry butler-- a fact that i will just have to remain green with envy about-- and that you have many opportunities that i wish i had.

PERHAPS my vitriol was far less about you and far more about me. i'm generally not the kind of person who lets jealousy in or who lets it turn into anger but maybe i did this time. for that, i'm sorry).

i will even go so far as to admit that i understand why you wouldn't want to go into whole foods while everyone else was there. i'm sure you've been mobbed a million times and i would probably take measures to ensure that i didn't have to endure that, as well.

that's it really. i hope that we can make up and that you can understand why i've said some of the things i've said and forgive the parts that were just unnecessarily mean. you've never done anything to me, and i don't know what really goes on in your persona

l life. maybe i should let my sympathy for jen and the tabloid press do less thinking for me when it comes to you and think for myself. when it comes down to it i actually kind of think that i would think you were pretty damn cool if we were to meet.

i can't imagine what it must be like to live in the bubble that you live in. i would hate to have people constantly criticizing my every move or spewing negativity in my direction when they really have no idea what it's like to live my life. i feel guilty to have been a part of that. you do put positivity out into the world and that's to be commended, not criticized.

hope you can accept my olive branch...

i'll even go and watch 'salt' with an open mind.

take care,

nic

ps- i am totally jealous of your tats, that i WILL fess up to.

Brad Pitt reminds Washington that New Orleans still exists

i have to give it to you brad, you're still coming through for us...

while i have to admit that i'm sick of seeing pics of st ang running around in wigs in dc making her new film, 'salt', i have to say that you have opted to use your time hanging in dc with your baby momma for a good cause.
for those of you who don't know, brad is in washington right now (with angie, who's making some movie... i'm sure you've seen the wonked out pics). he has met with nancy pelosi and other dem leaders to try to gain some support from washington for his 'make it right' program here in new orleans. way to bring it to the top, brad! i know that you were going grass roots for a long time and that's fab but we all know that DC has totally forgotten about us (not that they don't have some other pretty weighty issues to deal with now). with the economy as it is, it's getting even harder here than it was before so brad decided to take it to the top and get the government involved (as we can all agree that they haven't really noticed us since sometime around the 28th of august, 2005).
way to go, brad!! push 'make it right', let them know we're here, we still need help and make them do your bidding (well, everyone else does-- why would the senate be any different?). seriously, way to keep on keeping on!
all the best,

nic

ps-- i just read that he's even been granted an audience with obama himself to talk about new orleans. rock it, brad. bush might not care about black people but something tells me that obama does. good luck!

pps-- i read some thing online about an interview in which they asked anniston about brad (did you really expect anything different?) and she apparently said that she was, 'way over him'. ok, jenn. we believe you. suuuuuuure we do. and you didn't look nervous at the oscars while angie was looking up and laughing at you and your stuttering, stumbling speach, either.

Open Letter to Gerard Butler...

Gerry,
we have to talk. i haven't said too much about you here and i think that the things that i've said have been fairly complementary (at least in terms of your looks) but i have given you a hard time in terms of your ability to act. now, i've seen a couple more of your films and i've learned some things about ones that i'd already seen that cast them in a different light... so i have to say that i'm sorry for saying that we would just put you in front of a camera so that you could look pretty.
the first thing is that i really didn't realize that that was you in, 'dear frankie'. i saw that movie years ago, loved it and just didn't know who you were. i did really like you in it, though and thought that you acted very well. i also recently saw, 'rocknrolla' (or however it's meant to be written) and i thought that you were really good and funny in that, as well (although i really think that guy ritchie just needs to stop. it's the same movie over and over. that being said, if i were offered a part in a woody allen movie i would take it in a heartbeat- even if it was just a rehashing of something he'd done before. BUT woody just did 'vicky christina barcelona' which isn't really anything like his other films and other that 'swept away'-- i'll pause so that you can all breathe to keep yourselves from gagging-- ritchie keeps churning out the same shit). anyway, i understand why you would want to work with him and i thought that the movie was ok but more to the point, you were good in it.
i have also come to the conclusion that although it is a VERY sappy love story, if it were not for the presence of hillary swank in 'P.S. I Love You', that it could have been much better. In fact, i thought that you were good in it. she was rubbish and yet i genuinely believed that you were in love with her. anyone who can pull that off has to be given some sort of props for acting ability. i even like your singing in it. thought it was pretty damn good. we will come to accents in a bit...
last night i saw, 'Butterfly on a Wheel'. ok, so the movie was a bit odd and i called the ending really early in (to a certain extent) but i again thought that you were good. i like the raw emotion that your capable of showing on screen. it's a clive oweny type of thing. it doesn't seem contrived or forced. when you seem angry or frightened (or even in love) i believe you. and isn't that the mark of good acting.? again, we'll come to accents in a bit...
as far as '300' goes, i saw it not really knowing what it was and thought that it was an overly-digitized, historically inaccurate abomination. then i learned that it was a frank miller piece. to my mind that forgives the animated look of the film and even the historical inaccuracies. it's frank miller, it was meant to look like a graphic novel (it was, in fact, a graphic novel brought to the screen- just like 'sin city'). so that's ok. i thought that you were good in it now that i know what it was going for. at first i thought that you were way over the top (which you would have been if it had been a normal film) but it was MEANT to be over the top. so, for making fun of that, i am sorry. i now see that you pulled off what you were aiming for (and now i sort of like it- not enough to see it again- but nonetheless).
i also re-watched bits of 'Mrs. Brown' and although you're only in it for a bit, i have to say that you were good in it. there was no overacting, you fit into the role as you should have. you were believable and it was a good part for you.
on the other hand, i'm scared to watch 'Phantom of the Opera'. i really am not quite sure why you would agree to make this into a film but i don't want to tarnish the image i have of you now so i think i'm going to steer clear of it.
oh, i also saw, 'Nim's Island' and as much as i can't stand jodie foster i thought that it was a cute family film and that you were good in it. it was just an average film in general but i have no complaints about your acting in it, so that's a plus for you.
i'm going to ignore that you did 'tomb raider' because no matter how good or bad you might have been in it i won't be able to focus on what you're doing because i'll be too busy cringing at st. angie's accent...
speaking of accents, we've come to that time. now, in many of your films you roll with your own accent (which is beautiful, i might add). great deep voice, great posh(ish) glaswegian accent... i love it. in others (like, 'ps i love you' and 'butterfly on a wheel') you go for first an irish accent and then an american one. now, british actors are well known for their ability to morph into other accents (especially american ones) but in 'butterfly on a wheel' it actually took me about 20 minutes to figure out if you were doing an american accent or just playing a scottish guy who's lived in the states for so long that his accent is lighter than it once was. but no, you were going for american. you either need an accent coach or you need to just stop taking rolls that require you to put on an accent. your accent in 'ps i love you' sounds like no irish person i've ever met (and i've met quite a few) and i shouldn't have to struggle to try and figure out where you're from in a film. i should just know, 'oh, he's american'. i'm not sure why your directors aren't pointing this flaw out to you, but someone has to. i think that maybe your accent is just too strong perhaps. i'm not sure. all i know is, stick to your real accent. the films that you're in in which you use your real voice are much better and the weirdness doesn't get in the way.
to conclude (for now) i'll just say that i'm sorry that i said that you were just a pretty face (although you are that, too). you've actually done some really good work and i look forward to seeing you progress in the future. just please-- stop making movies with hillary swank and st. angie (oh, and i hear you're doing something with katherine heigel now-- for the love of god!! make sure who's in the movie BEFORE you accept the role!). you can get better leading ladies. seriously.
on a slightly personal note- i read your bio thing on imdb and i have to say that i love you all the more for being a lawyer who quit to become an actor, that you saved that kid's life during 'mrs brown' and that you are apparently really cool to EVERYONE on set, not just the big celebs. props for that. i'm still questioning your taste in women but i can't begin to believe that you've really been with everyone they've linked you with (i mean, travis barker's ex? that ho? come on...) so i'll just live with the knowledge that you're a man-whore (i'm not complaining) with possibly dubious taste (cameron diaz?!? uugghh). still, if you can take the ladies and then walk away (especially a-listers like funky face diaz) more power to you.
all the best,
nicp.s. you really are just smokin' hot (and you sooooo know it).

The Inside Scoop: Brangelina actually shop for themselves and they don't care if lowly supermarket workers have to come in early or stay late.

so i heard through the grapevine that at some point last week (so the story goes- and i got this from a good source) that in the wee hours of the morning whole foods market on magazine got a call from either st. angie herself or from one of the members of her army of assistants (i'm sure it was an assistant) saying that st. angie wanted to come in to get some schwag from whole foods but that (of course) she couldn't be arsed with dealing with the masses who would (naturally) follow her around and try to touch her so that whatever disease they might have would be instantly cured. ok, maybe her assistant didn't say that but it was said that st. angie COULD NOT mingle with the masses and demanded that whole foods open early for st. angie and ONLY st. angie. whole foods (for whatever reason) obliged and opened early. st. angie came in alone (gasp) and did her shopping and then left. (meeg said that he thinks she just couldn't be arsed waiting in line)

too sexy to mingle

it gets better...

later that day the very same whole foods got a call from sir brad saying that HE wanted some schwag from whole foods but that HE could not be arsed with the masses so could they stay open late so that he could walk around the store unmolested. yet again whole foods obliged and made their poor staff stay at work for an extra hour so that sir brad could wander around and buy the things that (inexplicably) his baby momma did not get for him while she was there earlier that same day.

too cool to mingle

what makes all this amusing (while not surprising) is that a-listers go into whole foods alllll the time. sean penn (love him or hate him) went in on a sunday no less (a crazy busy day) and no one bugged him in the least bit. drew brees (while not an international a-lister, is certainly HUGELY famous in new orleans) goes to whole foods on a weekly basis and even sits in the breezeway at the tables and eats lunch, sometimes staying for over an hour and nobody bothers him at all. some notable others that don't require such special treatment are- forrest whitaker, john c. reiley (who hilariously was in there, drunk, at 10am and knocked over an entire display of wine bottles, breaking them all over the floor), selma hayek, harry shearer (mr. burns), laurence fishburn, brittney murphy (although who would really go talk to her?), john goodman is in ALL of the time, james carvill goes in multiple times a week, minnie driver, lenny kravitz (who is apparently really picky about his water), harry connick jr (again, maybe not so internationally huge-- but locally ENORMOUS), the manning brothers (eli and peyton), and a bunch of saints players (like deuce and bush).

really what i'm getting at is why can brad and angie not shop with us, why don't they care if people with children have to work an hour later because they can't shop with the rest of us, why they both had to personally go in on the same day, making some people who were pulling doubles come in early AND stay late and why can they not only shop with us but why is it that the likes of sean penn and forrest whitaker can?

Oh Academy... way to prove me right

in response to meeg's comment on my last post i have to say that it's a crime that cate blanchett and tilda swindon (meeg, didn't we discuss that somehow they're like 2 sides of the same coin and that it's a weird superman/clark kent thing with them?) are in the

horror film, 'the curious case of... oh, sorry, even the title makes me fall asleep'. they're both so good in so many other things (although i do feel like tilda has a slightly greater propensity to be in questionable things-- 'michael clayton' springs to mind).

also, i'd like to bring up the fact that my boss told me today that he really liked benjamin button and when i said that it was like 'forrest gump' only slower, longer and more painful he responded with, "that's why it was great! it was like 'forrest gump' meets 'titanic'". i don't think that i needto say anything else there. if you feel like you'd enjoy the celluloid bastard love-child of 'titanic' and 'forrest gump' then 'the curious case of benjamin button' is for you. if the thought of that makes you want to stab your eyes out with the needles used for any one of saint angie's tats then don't see it.

i also feel vindicated that i wrote this (and said, 'shame on you, academy!!') the day BEFORE the noms came out and then 'curious case' was nominated for everything from 'best douche in a leading role' to 'douchiest screenplay'. i just KNEW that they would end up rewarding this fuckery. oh, and for nominating angiblahina for best actress, too. if she wins i think it's one of the

signs of the coming of the apocalypse.

i do have to say that the only thing that really saves the academy this year is the fact that they have actually recognized the greatness of 'slumdog millionaire' and its director danny boyle (whose body of work is just plain amazing).

Academy and Hollywood Foreign Press, you are both dead to me now.

ok, so i had a conversation before the golden globes with meeg in which i stated that if angelia joile won best actress for 'the changeling' that i would write a blog post entitled, 'hollywood foreign press, you are dead to me'. alas, she did not win. anne 'my ex-fiance's a felon and somehow i had no idea' hathaway did. i haven't seen 'rachel at the wedding' or whatever film it is that she won for but i have no doubt in my mind that it was better than 'the changeling' (not like i like little ms. anne. i actually DON'T like her- but i dislike angelia far more so all's well).

anyway, i'm off on a tangent here. i didn't write the post because, as i previously stated, angelina didn't win. and then just the other night i saw 'the curious case of benjamin button'. now, if you read this at all regularly then you know that i have a very odd relationship with brad pitt. i love him, i hate him, i'm indifferent towards him, i think he's an ass for leaving jen, i think he's just a man who fell in love, i think he's definitely not as attractive as people give him credit for and yet i will give him that his body rocks. what does not rock IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM is 'the curious case of benjamin button'. for the love of God, who greenlit this project? it was sort of like the thinking man's 'forrest gump' only it lasted for 732 years and it was less entertaining. it was chock-a-block full of one-liney life lessons, statements that you're meant to carry out of the theatre and hold to your breast as life changing affirmations about the beauty of the world and love and... pardon me, i'm about to be sick into my own scorn (thank you, bernard).

so i come to the reason why the academy and the hollywood foreign press are dead to me. angie and brad might not have won but they were both nominated. angie was nominated with the likes of (i love her) meryl streep ffs!! this implies to all that have not seen 'the changeling' that it was somehow good (and it was in NO way good). 'the changeling' wasn't even about what the trailers implied it was about and angie's performance was over the top (to say the least). she looks so terribly gaunt and skinny that it's disgusting and she's so caked in makeup (more than is necessary even given that it's a period piece and that the women of the time wore a lot of makeup) that it just ruins it more that i thought possible. then we have brad's little pet project that was nominated for just about everything (including best picture). given that it came out on christmas day and that most people haven't seen it yet, this implies to those who haven't that it might be worth seeing. these award shows and the people who do the nominations are playing right into brad and angie's hands. now people are going to waste their time seeing 'the curious case of why anyone thought it was a good idea to make this film'. as my friend kyle said as soon as the film was over, 'well, that's 3 hours of my life i'm never getting back'. and i saw it with allyson, gavin and kyle. between the 4 of us our tastes are pretty varied and cover just about every genre of film. had it been in any way good at least one of us would have stood up for it. there was not a voice in its favor amongst us. i'm even a big fan of movies (good or bad) that show a decent amount of new orleans scenery (take 'double jeopardy' for example. crappy ashley judd movie and yet i'll watch it to look at how badly they mess up the actual layout of new orleans. oh, don't even get me started about how in that movie 'deja vu' with denzel that there was actually a street IN the french quarter called 'king oak street' AND that there's a ferry explosion which kills like 700 people. have you ever been on the algiers ferry? MAYBE you could fit 100 people on there at a push... MAYBE. but i'll watch these films and enjoy the inaccuracies and it makes them worthwhile somehow). 'benjamin button' had none of this... it didn't even really show new orleans in any way that any of us know it (even remotely). it's all centered around this one house and then there are a few shots of the river that could frankly have been shot on any large river in the world. i suppose that the scenes in which he's riding his motorcycle to the lake are pretty clearly somewhere in new orleans although it could have been florida (if i didn't know better). so the movie was bad and it didn't even have the new orleans scenery that saves (to my mind) bad movies.

this whole thing with the hollywood foreign press and the academy saying that these movies (and performances) are worthy of standing side by side with meryl and 'slumdog millionaire' and all of these great movies and actors is just a farce. i have let myself believe, until now, that there was SOME rhyme or reason to their selections. now i see more than ever that it's the popularity contest that everyone has always told me it was. i see the light and because of this (because you said that angelina was even almost as good as meryl) i must say to you, hollywood foreign press and academy, you are dead to me.

ps. this totally doesn't mean that i won't still be watching to make sure that you commit no further atrocities.

Open Letter to Brad Pitt...

Mr. Pitt (or should i call you Brad?),

there are a few things that i feel we need to talk about. i was reflecting this morning on things i have said concerning you in past posts (and conversations, etc) and i think that i might have been being a bit unfair. that's right, i admitted it. i can't say that i am one of your biggest fans, not by any stretch of the imagination. sure, you're a handsome fellow but i can't even say that i think you're swoon-worthy (hopefully, this isn't something you take offense to- you have plenty of women swooning over you, you certainly don't need to count me among them. i just go for a different type, that's all- see my post on the scots). anyway, i digress. point of fact- you aren't an idiot and i really don't think that i can see you being the mailable type. i made a case that you were wooed into your current relationship through coercion. i don't believe that to be true anymore. i think that you are being truthful when you say that you fell in love.

i have to admit that i'm not a big fan of the jumping ship on your wife thing but i can't say that i don't understand that if you realize that you're not in love with said wife that it's not best for both of you to move on. you must understand that it seems as if your ex is doing a bit of flailing about. it seems as if she's still in love with you and that provoked a feeling of pity in me. one so profound, in fact, that i held you (or more to the point, your current partner) responsible for the pain and suffering of your cuckolded ex-wife.

now, i don't know if that article in which angelina admitted to actually having an affair with you while you were married is true or not. if it is, that's something that i think we both know is wrong. i think that you've been not just a little selfish in the way you handled things vis a vis jen. that whole spread you did in W magazine with angie and your pretend family (not the recent one, the one you did right at the very second of your divorce) was really lacking in tact. i'm sure it was fun and maybe you just weren't thinking but i can't see you as the type of person who would be malicious enough to hurt someone on purpose-- you kind of did though, jen even admitted that that really hurt her. that's not cool. you could have waited to release those for her sake. ultimately though, your relationships with jen and angie (whatever they may be or have been and however i may feel about the two women irrespective of you) are your business. who's to say that jen's not actually just horrid and that she totally deserved the W pic spread (although i don't actually believe that)?

ok i'm wandering all over the place now and i'm sure you're wondering what point i'm trying to make. here we go-- even though i have mixed feelings about your main squeeze, maybe she is the love of your life and it doesn't really matter if i like her. if i want to not like her that should be independent of my feelings for you. my feelings for you are on the lukewarm to positive side (much more leaning toward positive because of

'make it right' and your love for my hometown, naturally [SIDEBAR- everyone who hasn't checked out what brad's been up to down here really, really needs to because it's one of the best things we have happening here. it's still about recovery, it's still active and he's not going away like so many others have. scope it, it's actually really awesome-- http://www.makeitrightnola.org/ ]).


i have to say that i actually DO want to see, 'the curious case of benjamin button'. and not because i think it's going to be so bad that i just have to witness it myself but because i think it might actually be good. and, you've always known that i liked, 'fight club'. there are a few films scattered throughout your career that i appreciate and think are really quite good (i think the ocean's movies are totally self-indulgent but that's a bone i have to pick more with your friend george than with you). there are some that i think are pretty crappy (we both know i'm talking about 'the mexican' again. what were you thinking?). anyway, point is that i'm sorry that i went off saying that you were manipulated. i don't think that you're the type of guy who would be. i'm not saying that i think you behaved in the nicest possible way but i'm still going to accept that if you say you're happy and in love then you are and we'll leave it at that. i like mia farrow but i didn't freak on woody when all of that went down. why should i freak on you (not that i'm saying you're a woody-- let's not get ahead of ourselves) for doing something that was actually a lot less... let's say creepy?



so, let's bury the hatchet. i won't say that your woman conned you or anything like that anymore and just let you have your happy little home life. don't think that this means that i'm going to be all lovey with her though. i still think that there's something super weird about her but again, the heart wants what it wants and i'll leave you alone on that one from now on.
well, i'm glad that that's over anyway. now we can just go have a drink and a smoke and talk about wtf is up with jen and john. oh, too soon? right. sorry.

much love to you and your new crazy mustache,
nic

The Home Wrecker Chronicles

ahhh, i love the good celeb gossip story but none tops the list like a good tale of cheating husbands (because, let's face it, it's usually the blokes who are doing the leaving), scorned women (who are usually preggers) and younger, carnivorous home wrecking starlets.

there are so many of these stories to address and discuss but i think for sanity's sake we'll stick to just 4.

firstly, i would like to discuss the whole bridget moynahan/tom brady/gisele bundchen thing. i wanted to blog about this one first for a couple of reasons. 1) it's a little unclear as to whether moynahan and brady broke up while she was preggers but before he hooked up with bundchen (although general consensus seems to be that bundchen totally knew that he was with his baby-mama and went after him anyway) 2) this is the one that i really care the least about. i will give bundchen that she's uber-hot, so hot that i would sleep with her (but so is moynahan, for that matter) but really, she's just a model-- and not even a very interesting one at that. she was with boooooring leo dicaprio for ages and ages (who i only care a tiny bit about because of his efforts with all things eco-friendly. other than that, he's a crappy actor who thinks he's the bomb. blech). moynahan was in something that i think i liked once upon a time but i can't even remember what it was (way to make an impression, bridget). and brady's a football player (a hot one, granted, but if you don't play for the saints, aren't a manning or aren't getting it on with kim kardasssssian then i really don't care).

so the story is as follows (from what we know)-- bridget and tom were together for a good while (i think it was around 2 years, could be wrong about that), never married but then she was suddenly with child. she ran around exclaiming that she was so excited about the baby, blah blah but he remained pretty mum on the whole thing (obviously not so pleased about the situation). next thing we know, bridget is heavily preggers and on her own and gisele and tom are out and about everywhere.

the players:

bridget- she seems to be the coolest one in all of this. there was no complaining on her part. she didn't make a big show of being dumped and just went on her merry way saying, 'if i have to be a single mom, so be it'. final grade- most certainly an a+ for her behavior here.

tom- wanker. any man who leaves his preggers wife or gf is just a wanker. no way around it. since we're not sure that this is what happened if there's anyone who can jump in in his defense, go right ahead. otherwise, he's a miserable louse who left his girlfriend of 2 years when she was getting ready to drop his kid for a younger (and arguably hotter) woman. ON THE UP SIDE- it appears that since the baby has been born he's been a good dad. he gets points for this and for not being a total and complete douche. he's still a wanker though. final grade- D+ (would have failed, but the good dad bit lets him scrape by with a passing grade).

gisele- by all accounts she went to his locker room while he was still with bridget and totally seduced him. i've heard that she locked her beady little eyes on him after her bust-up with leo and said, 'he will be mine'. she didn't care that he was with his baby-mama and just went for it full-throttle. it's not even as if they met on some photo shoot and fell in love (stay tuned for that scenario). she PLANNED to go after him. nothing worse than the woman who wrecks a home on purpose. final grade-F. no questions asked.

NEXT on the list we have the weird (and brief) saga of robert rodriguez and rose mcgowan. we all know him as the director of 'sin city' and other such films and we know her because, well, we saw her ass in that dress when she was bonking marilyn manson (shudder).

the story is as follows-- she was single and starring in that non-entity of a film, 'grindhouse' and he was with his wife of 16 years (who was also his co-producer and mother of his 5 kids). rose and robert 'fell in love' on the set and began having an affair. it came out, mrs. rodriguez (sorry, don't know her name) was ripped apart by the news and filed for divorce. by all accounts, rose and robert continued their affair and might possibly still be out there somewhere fornicating (and by the laws of- you're not just sleeping with that person but with every person they've slept with- that means he's actually doing it with marilyn manson, which just adds another level of creepiness to the whole thing).

the players:

mrs. rodriguez- ugh, poor woman. she stands by this man for 16 years. gives him 5 kids, puts her time and money into his films (for which she gets about zero credit) and is blindsided by this whole thing. reports say that she was (and is) totally devastated. she hasn't come out bad-mouthing him or anything but is just trying to recover and protect her kids from creepy rose and their adulterous father. final grade- A+ for not going to the press and for divorcing that lying bastard straight away so that she could focus on the kids that he callously tossed aside.

robert- always discussed how much his wife meant to him, that he couldn't have done any of his films without her, lived this quiet little life with his 5 billion kids and said that he loved it. clearly it was all crap. as soon as rose (who so isn't that hot anyway) rolls up he jumps into bed with her without a second thought for his loyal and seemingly wonderfully supportive wife. he hasn't said much to the press other than that he 'fell in love' with rose and that he couldn't help it. whatever robert, maybe woody can get away with that 'the heart wants what it wants' shit but you're soooo not the artist he is so pack it in. you're a fuck-wad. final grade- F for abandoning his wife and kids for a skank (would still be an F if she wasn't a skank. just needed to be mentioned that she is).

rose- i don't know what to do about this one. it's not as if she targeted him or anything but she knew that he had a big happy family and went and jumped into his bed anyway. i would say that it's more his fault for leaving his family but she's crap for getting involved with a married man. final grade- D. she only passes because i think that perhaps she did just, 'fall in love' with him on set so she gets a passing grade. it's a low pass though because she should have resisted her urges and stayed away from a man who was taken, had a family, etc, etc.

NEXT we have the mary louise-parker/billy crudup/claire danes debacle. we all know her from 'weeds' (although i've never actually seen it) and the thousand other fabulous things she's done ('fried green tomatoes', 'saved', etc. needless to say, i love her and think she's sooo beautiful). he's that crappy actor who was the sore thumb son in 'big fish' and was one of the bad-good guys in that brad pitt (ohh, we're coming to him) film, 'sleepers'. whatever, he bites (and is not attractive AT ALL). claire we all loved from 'my so called life' but then started dropping like a lead balloon with such films as 'romeo and juliet' (i'm sorry to all of you who liked it but it was crap. really. crap. go watch the REAL version with olivia hussy and then come back and tell me that you thought claire and leo were good), that remake of 'the mod squad' (groan) and don't even get me started on 'stardust' (which, apparently-- meeg is my source here-- they wanted gwyneth for but she said no and so they drastically lowered their standards and went to claire).

the story is as follows: billy and mary had been together for something like 7 years. she was 8 months preggers with his kid. billy and claire were making some craptacular movie together (i don't even know the name of it) and 'fell in love' (yeah, that gem again-- wait for it, it's not the last time you'll read it). so, off go billy and claire (very un-apologetically) to leave mary to have the kid on her own.

the players:

mary- she's awesome. not only did she not make a bid deal about it in the press (although everyone was outraged on her behalf) but she actually named the kid after billy even though he had ditched her out of the blue. she was there on red carpets, promoting her stuff very soon after the news broke looking huge and glowing. she didn't let them see her cry. you go, mary. she still hasn't talked smack about them and is just going on with her life. final grade- A+ gotta love her!!

billy- total twat. unattractive, bad actor who leaves his gf of 7 years (who also happens to be 8-- yes EIGHT months preggers) for some young crappy actress. he made no apologies and just said, 'leave us alone, we love each other and it's right for us'. bullshit. he could at least have owned up to the fact that it was horrid timing on his part and that he was sorry that it happened the way it did but he didn't. he just dumped her and ran. final grade- F. LOSER.

claire- so not as attractive as mary (but like 20 years younger-- ok, that's a bit of an exaggeration) and can't even touch her as far as talent. she knew that billy was involved and yet threw herself in there anyway (not to mention the fact that she was, at the time, shacked up with singer, ben lee-- making her doubly slaggy). she was also unsympathetic to mary's plight and snubbed her nose at anybody who mentioned the fact that she ran off with mary's man. she's claire and thinks that she can be with anyone she wants, screw whomever gets hurt as that's not her problem. to top it off, after being with billy for 3 years it turns out that she cheated on him very recently with her new non-entity of a co-star and so the claire/billy thing if off. final grade- F. for being so uncaring about mary, for being a bad actor, for then cheating on billy and making the whole home wrecking thing a pointless endeavor.

LASTLY we have the mother of all home wrecking scenarios. the one you've all been waiting for...
jenn aniston/brad pitt/angelina jolie

ok, so we know this story backwards, frontwards, sideways and upside-down. we have 'the golden couple', brad and jenn. total a-listers. her hit tv show (plus her fabulous performance in 'the good girl' which everyone should see), his film career (with it's 'fight club' highs and 'the mexican' lows) and their sheer combined blond beauty made for the oh-so-right couple. there was lots of chatter before the meltdown about how he wanted kids (god, he wouldn't shut the fuck up about it) and she kept kind of mum about the whole thing (in my opinion she wanted to try to crack the film industry before getting preggers) but they still seemed like everything was a-ok. then came 'mr. and mrs. smith' and the divorce heard 'round the world. at first, brad and pukey claimed that they fell in love during the filming but that nothing happened until he was divorced. then recently vag-face came out and said that she DID pluck him during filming and that it was only now that she felt that it was ok to say that (and i think she did it because she's a jealous slag and if ANYBODY is getting more attention than she is she freaks out-- hello blood in a vial around your neck-- and she just wanted jenn to read that so that she would know that she'd really been cuckolded). now jenn is off searching aimlessly (and you can't get more aimless than john mayer) for that love lost while brad and angie are off with their brady bunch brokering a deal with benetton for a series of ads (no, not really).

the story is as follows: well, we just went through the story really but i think there's a little more. now, a lot of this is total speculation on my part but i think that a lot of you out there in cyber-land will agree that this is probably how it came down. angie and brad go to shoot this film. he's THE actor to land and she knows it. he wants kids and she has one (and wants more). she's hot in that, 'i look like my dad, my face looks like a vagina, i look waaaay older than 33, my body is weirdly proportioned and seriously are my lips about to explode off of my face?' sort of way. more importantly, she has an oscar for her lackluster performance in the self-indulgent film, 'girl, interrupted' (which we all know was crap), she comes from an a-list (although falling apart) hollywood family and she HAD THE ADORABLE KID. i think that herein lies the key to the whole thing. jenn's off filming and not getting preggers and here comes this woman who some people (inexplicably) think is hot and who is (OBVIOUSLY) a very manipulative woman who gets what she wants when she wants by any means necessary, she flirts, makes sure he sees her scantily clad, introduces the kid to him ("play with him, oh it's ok maddox, you can call him daddy") and BAM you have an instant implosion of the anniston-pitt home. then angie says, 'lets have tons more'-- again by any means necessary (and then comes the press announcement, 'we couldn't help it, we just fell in love'). this story particularly pisses me off because brad and angie are made out to be saints here. yeah, i'd have a dozen adopted kids if i could afford nannies for each one. i'd also be running around trying to help out in the sudan and cambodia and everywhere else if a) i could afford it and b) anybody would listen to me. then again, brad really has done a FANTASTIC thing with his, 'make it right' program here in new orleans (which angie has steered totally clear of so she gets none of her usual media-hogging spotlight credit for). i'm so sick of seeing angie with a head scarf on and the SAME look on her face in every war torn country she can get herself into (yeah, we get it. you want us to think you care.). un goodwill ambassador, my ass. what has she ACTUALLY done other than adopt kids (not to mention that one of them was like 4 when she adopted him and then she changed his name. that's just wrong)? NOTHING. brad's at least put his time, money and effort into 'make it right'. it also saddens me that jenn's still running around like a lost puppy. i'm so tired of seeing her with all of these wankers and yet i can't help but feel bad for her. i'm sure she's still so in love that it aches. really though, i don't know what to tell her. try to mend your broken heart by staying away from guys like john mayer and going for guys who will treat you well, maybe? or how about staying single until you're just over it? fuck, i don't know but something has to give with that poor woman.

the players-

jenn- can't help but feel bad for her. you KNOW that she's still in love with brad. she has to be. just look at her wonked out dating record since they broke up. she doesn't know where to go. plus, she has to be confronted on a daily basis with pics of the new super couple and their ever-expanding brood (not to mention the sheer horror of seeing things like those pics that brad took of angie and the kids for W magazine (i think it was)). i can't imagine the pain that must bring. you know she's just shouting that that was meant to be her life. she has stayed mum about it and hasn't really talked about it in anything but a joking way (i think she made some joke when an interviewer asked her if she ever talked to angie about how they all have holiday meals together or something). way to try to seem lighthearted about it and for not totally trashing angie every chance you get (cus i would have ripped slaggy's weave right off of her puffy, 45 year old looking head). final grade- B. i'm only giving her this grade because even though i sympathise with her plight and i KNOW she's desperate to fill the brad-sized hole in her heart there's just no excuse for john mayer. just none.

brad- ugh, this is tricky. somehow there's part of me that feels he's less to blame than angie is. maybe it's because i detest her so much, i'm not sure. maybe it's because i feel as if he was totally manipulated and brain-washed. i am very familiar with the, 'i really want kids' emotion and i can see being intoxicated by the cuteness that is maddox (and the promise of more cuteness to come). BUT when you really break it down he DID cheat on his wife. he DID leave her for another woman. maybe he really wasn't getting what he wanted (kids) but that's really no excuse for cheating (and especially not with uuughhh HER). final grade- C-. he cheated, that's bad. he's published pictures that he had to know jenn would see of his new little happy family that he took himself, that's cruel. BUT he really did want a family and that's what he has now. plus, i really think that he gets an upgrade because a) he's a really good dad (or so it seems) b) i have to love him for 'make it right' and c) i think he was totally manipulated by vag-face.

angie- ohhh, angie. how could you? you knew he was married. you waved your bj lips and big breasts in his face and then introduced him to the kid (knowing full well that that would be the clincher). you slept with him when you KNEW he was married, you are constantly making veiled remarks that are clearly aimed at her in the press, you rub your life with him in her face (you just lack decorum on every level possible- we saw it with the thing with billy-bob and then your dad and now jenn. get a grip on yourself) and you seem to be hyper-sensitive about him having ANY sort of contact with her at all- as if he's going to see the light and go running back to him (afraid that she'll do to you what you did to her? are you that insecure? really? oh, i believe it. i believe it alllll the way). i think you manipulated the whole situation and you looooove the spotlight and now you have it shining on you more brightly than you could have ever imagined. well played. final grade- F. the ultimate homewrecker. ironically, thinking about her being the ultimate homewrecker makes me think about the fact that now brad has the home that he always wanted-- one that is full of adorable kids, philanthropy, globe-trotting and would-be wife.

maybe she manipulated him into the life he always wanted but never had and now he's happy. damn it all, maybe (just maybe) it's better for him that angie came into his life. still... it's not fair that jenn has to wander the earth for all eternity to pay for being in love with him. uughh, quandry!!

you decide and let me know.

shocker!!! brangelina shop for kids in nola!!!

ok, so we all know that the world's most famous for being overrated couple in the world are sometimes inhabitants of our fab-fab city. we also know that i love brad for his 'make it right' program and for all of the work he's doing in the city and for all of the positive attention he's bringing our way. what i hate is that angelina is doing NOTHING. she doesn't appear with him when he does press stuff about new orleans, she's never seen tooling around the 9th ward with him, NADA. what she does do is go out to bars (shall i mention where she can be found? i think i shall-- she loves the circle bar the most apparently) and she eats. a lot. they love to go to angeli in the quarter (they have money, you'd think that they would be able to afford better food. i guess it's a good, kid-friendly place though. anyway, it's not surprising that they blow a lot of cash when they're here. they shop a lot (don't they always).

also, they are here right now. brad's doing his 'make it right' thing and they have told everyone that they are spending the christmas and new year holidays at their home in nola. they have been seen around, so this ain't no lie. best of all, they were seen just a few days ago at a place that is very familiar to me (and should be to meeg as well given that we lived just down the street). here are some shots of the famous duo shopping at the kid's store Pippen Lane (it's right there by that CC's near where we used to live, it's in that same little shopping center thingy). it's super, super expensive (not like they care), but i've shopped there for friends who've just had babies or for baby birthdays. their stuff is fab, and if i had their money (and an ass-load of kids) i'd be all about that place.

enjoy your new toys, shiloh!!

ps- doesn't she look totally bedraggled? she needs to head across the street to belladonna for some serious spa therapy!! he doesn't look that bad, though.

Make It Right

i know, i know. if i have to see or hear or read one more thing about angelina jolie and brad pitt i'm going to vomit. this is something totally different though. i now love him. he has founded a project here in new orleans called, 'make it right'. they are building eco-friendly affordable housing in the 9th ward. he is donating his own time and money and encouraging his famous friends to do the same.

Please check out the site, see if you'd like to give or donate time. they even have merchandise you can buy and the proceeds go to building those houses. have you been wondering why he's always wearing those hats lately? it's because they are 'make it right' hats. you can buy them from the site.

http://www.makeitrightnola.org/index.php?isDirect=true

the site has info on the architects that they are getting to design the buildings, what they're doing to prevent flood damage in the future, and much more.

i'm still sick of angelina, but now i'm in love with brad.

brad's back...but not to stay (i blame angelina)

so, as many of you know brad pitt and angelina jolie had a brief love affair with new orleans, buying an amazing house in the quarter and enrolling their kids in the ecole-francaise in uptown new orleans. brad was quoted many times as saying that new orleans was the best place he's ever lived, that he felt comfortable here and that he was happy helping with the green project.

for those of you who don't know about the green project it's an amazing program wherein architects (and famous people like brad) build eco-friendly homes using recyclable materials, etc. in devastated areas in new orleans. it's the eco-friendly version of habitat for humanity. for more info on it please go to this link...

http://www.thegreenproject.org/

back to brad...

it seems that our globe-trotting lothario has now come back "home" to tour a 'green' house in the lower ninth ward. yesterday he came to new orleans and went out to the barren waste land that is the ninth ward and surveyed a partially built home in the holy cross (where my brother andrew goes to school) neighborhood. the things he said are actually kind of groovy...

"We knew we couldn't bring back the families and friends that were lost, bring back the heirlooms, the pictures. But maybe in the process of rebuilding, we could build something smarter -- we could create a better way of life for the people who live there,"

the house itself is also pretty awesome in terms of its eco-friendliness. now if only all houses could be built this way...

"The design...includes energy-saving appliances, a cistern, toilets designed for water conservation, soy-based insulation, paperless drywall, solar panels and a roof on the second-story deck designed to help insulate the house and channel water to the cistern."

sounds to me like brad is still doing his good work here even if he's abandoned us to live elsewhere. now if we could only lure him back into living here....

still reading the gunseller by hugh laurie (not much time to read lately)
last song i listened to: another girl, another planet by the only ones
movie i want to see next: superbad
storms in the gulf: hurricane dean's still there, weakened and not coming this way
weather today: 93, partly cloudy. feels about 108 with the heat index
days until my birthday: 6
days until my birthday party: 3